SASSY X

Happy New Year

2006-01-05T17:23:00.000-08:00

Okay, I know it's been a minute but life has been chaotic, I've been stressed out, and not in the mood to talk or write about it. Life is still somewhat chaotic and I'm still a little stressed out, but I've accepted the drama for what it is. I finally got my car back after a month of bullshit and red tape. My insurance company decided to pay the $7,000 it cost to fix it and I was grateful for that. Grateful because for the past few months, I've been trying to pay off bills and get myself financially squared away. Going out to get a new car and having a monthly payment would have put a severe damper on that plan. The car doesn't run or sound the same but I'm gonna drive that piece of shit till the wheels fall off! Or the engine blows up, whichever comes first. My insurance company sucks and my Claim rep was sent by the devil to torment me. Yup, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!
In other news, a few weeks back it started raining where I live. I went out one night and when I got home, I crashed out in my warm, soft bed. I woke up about 4 hours later with a headache and a huge puddle of water at the foot of my bed. My roof had a slow leak that was quickly spreading to other areas on the ceiling. After about an hour of trying to soak up the excess water with towels, I came up with the brilliant idea of taping trash bags to the ceiling. It worked because my bedroom ceiling is sloped so all of the water ran down to the wall. I didn't care. I don't sleep on the wall and I don't have $1,000 worth of bedsheets decorating it either. I'm probably going to develop some type of chronic respiratory disease from mildew trapped inside the trash bags, but at least I'll be fashionable when they find my body.
It's a new year and I'm done trying to fix things I'm incapable of fixing. If you know anything about me, then you know this is a huge and profound statement coming from the queen of drama, neurosis, and OCD. And anyway, there are a million other things I can fix that will feed the frenzy. LOL!

More bad "Carma"......

2005-11-18T23:40:00.000-08:00

Okay, before I discuss the latest dramatic event in my life, I have an update on the last post. Shortly after my confession regarding my bad breaking up practices, I got a text message from the most recent victim. It was brief and to the point, and once again the guilt set in. I was so going to call him (or at the very least, send him a reply text) but then he had to go and screw it all up again by drinking and dialing me the next night. He didn't leave a message so technically I can't prove if he was under the influence or not, but it was 2 in the morning. Being a frequent user of cell phones after the consumption of alcohol myself, I immediately saw it for what it was. Needless to say, there still hasn't been any communication with this person on my part. On to yesterday.
I was on my way to my sister's house yesterday morning, and I got into a pretty bad accident on the freeway. I am not hurt (very sore, however) but my car is pretty much totaled. The most freakish part about it, was that I knew I was going to get hit before I actually did. My car was stopped and the guy behind me had to slam on his brakes but not before he rear ended me and I hit the car in front of me. I got on my cell phone and called 911 immediately. It was very weird being on the other end of an emergency but as a result of what I do for a living, I knew what information to give and remained very calm. I pulled over to the center divide so I was out of traffic and the guy that hit me did the same. Well as we're pulling over, the guy I hit took off in a blaze of glory! Again, as a result of my job, I figure he was unlicensed, uninsured, drunk, or all the above. The CHP got there shortly after (that's the state highway patrol, in case you're not from Cali) and I was on the phone with my brother-in-law explaining what happened. The officer immediately copped an attitude (no pun intended) and ordered me to get off the phone. Okay, I get that I have just been in an accident and that he needs my full attention but I really am not liking his tone. I got off the phone and gave him my license. I looked at the back of my car and was pleasantly surprised to see that there was minimal damage, definitely driveable. I step around to the front and realize that the whole front bumper is hanging by a thread. The trunk is smashed in and there is bright green fluid which I took to be from the radiator, pouring onto the freeway. The officer orders me and the other guy to cross over 4 lanes of rush hour traffic and pull over to the shoulder while he gets off the freeway and comes back around in the right direction. I don't think so. I was petrified to even start my car at this point, let alone drive back into traffic with my bumper dragging and leaking suspicious fluids. The officer came back around and ran a traffic break for us. We make it safely to the other side and I get out of my now hazmat car. I got yelled at again by the officer because he didn't like where I was standing while I was calling for roadside assistance. He tried to order me off the phone again and I told him no. He wasn't going to stand there all morning and make calls for me to get a tow truck, file a claim with my insurance company, etc. I was quite relieved when a few minutes later, an older and obviously more seasoned patrolman, showed up. I chatted it up with him for a little while and he helped me give directions to my wonderful co-worker who was nice enough to come pick me up and take me back into town after the tow truck arrived. Sadly, a few minutes later he had to go to another call, and I was once again left with the officer who had the personality of a bag of rocks! So now I've got the tow truck and my friend enroute. Bag of rocks boy told me to sit in my car while I waited. My friend shows up and pulls over to where we are. He got pissed off at her too and made her get off the next exit and wait for me there!!! To my relief, another officer got out of bag of rocks patrol car. I didn't realize it at the time, but he was there from the beginning. I'm chatting it at with him now and I tell him where I work. I also told him that officer bag of rocks isn't very nice and he should try to treat people a little better. He then divulges that bag of rocks is a little stressed out because he is in training and not doing so well. What a surprise that was! How bout charm school instead of the police academy? Just a thought. Bag or rocks finally makes his way over to me to get my statement, but not before I see him doing field sobriety tests on the other driver! Great. He ended up passing (probably with a 75%...LOL) and they sent him on his way in his car which was driveable). Bag of rocks asks for my registration which I don't have in the car, but I do have the old registration card showing my sister as the owner. I tell him if he just runs my license plate, he can get all the info. Come on people, I do this for a living. He is clearly not listening to me because he proceeds to have the dispatcher run the old license plate on the old registration card and then accuses me of not owning the car. I explained to him again that if he runs the damn plate that is on the car, he will realize that I do own the car. He runs the right plate and then tells me that I didn't give him the current registration. Duh asshole, I just got done telling you that! He gives me the report number and I told him that he didn't have to wait for the tow truck to arrive. I was so done with him! The tow truck finally gets there and I have my friend get back on the freeway to come pick me up. I call my insurance company and get that all squared away. I call the rental car place while I'm on my way back into town and dealt with the biggest moron ever. He tells me he has to call me back because he is with a customer and I'm like okay, do you want the phone number??? Yeah, you might be needing that! I get back into town and drop my car off at my auto body people (they know me well there) and they call the rental car place for me to come and pick me up because moron never bothered to call me back until we were pulled up in front of the store. Thanks for nothing. I get the rental car and now I am on my way to the hospital emergency room to get looked at. My chest felt like a hundred pound weight came down on it. I must have hit the steering wheel and my air bag didn't deploy. Why would it? This is my life we're talking about here. I walk into the emergency room and the first thing I smell is urine wafting through the air. Okay, it's probably just some really old, decrepid person that is incontinent. Oh no it isn't. It's a 400 pound woman who has the nerve to be walking around like it's all good! To add insult to injury, she is with a child that is about 10 years old (poor thing) and has the child calling a motel to argue with the desk clerk about a reservation they made. Well I'm in my town now, and I happen to know that this motel they're calling doesn't take reservations because it's a dive! The 400 pound lady kept walking around (I'm surprised she was able to walk) and everytime she did, a new round of urine would be spread around the air. Gross! I finally got seen and everything in my chest is fine. I'm fine and I'm truly grateful for that. Cars and other material posessions can be replaced, health and life cannot. I just had to share this story in hopes that everyone reading can always see the humor in the drama!

Breaking up is hard to do....especially if you're me!

2005-11-08T23:54:00.000-08:00

I am the absolute worst person at breaking things off with people. I hate it so much that most of the time, I don't do it. My way of breaking things off with someone is to just simply stop calling and not answering the phone when they call. The only "real breakup" I ever had to do ended with the other person going to jail and a restraining order. That could explain my being a little leery of giving someone the boot. The most recent episode of my refusal to break things off with someone properly took place last week. I started seeing someone shortly after my birthday (in fact, I met this person when I was in Tahoe celebrating my birthday). I wasn't really in that "dating mode" when he asked me out because someone who I really liked broke things off with me the day after my birthday! I forced myself to go out on the date because I was in severe need of an ego stroke. He was very nice and had his stuff together. That was it. No chemistry, no butterflies. Didn't I already discuss this in a previous post? Me being me, I ignored this and continued to date him anyway. Last week, I had to return a cat that I was pet sitting to its rightful owner. He wanted to see me so I told him he could come with me to drop the cat off and then we could go grab a bite. I hadn't eaten all day and I was starving. We go and drop the cat off to the owner, who happens to be one of my really good friends. I ask her where a certain restaurant near her house is and the plan was to go eat there. We get in the car (I was driving) and he's telling me to turn here and turn there and the next thing I know, we are way out of the way of where we are supposed to be going. So I ask him does he know where he's going and he says no. I asked him did he know I was having the shakes because I hadn't eaten for 12 hours. You know what this fool asked me? He asked me if I was hypoglycemic because that is a symptom. I wanted to slap him. Mainly the urge to slap him stemmed from the realization that I didn't like this guy enough to drive around lost while I was hungry. I didn't like this guy enough to tell him that night not to call me anymore, that I just wasn't feeling him. I didn't like this guy enough to say anything at all. I kept telling myself the next day that I was going to act like a grown up and tell him I didn't want to see him anymore the next time he called. (I realize if it was my true intent to do the grown up thing, I would've called him myself instead of waiting for him to call me.) When he calls the next day, I don't answer the phone. When he calls the day after that (a day that we had tentative plans), I don't answer and he leaves me a voice mail that I didn't particulary care for. Basically, he's dumping himself on my behalf in a tone of voice that I found to be irritating. He did ask for me to call him and confirm that he was in fact being dumped, which I never did do. I didn't think there was any point by then. I kicked myself for a couple of days thinking that I was a horrible person for not doing the right thing. But then I got to thinking, do you really have to break up with someone that you only dated for a few weeks? I mean, I suppose it's good practice to diplomatically break things off with people I date casually to prepare myself for the next real break up, but other than that purpose, is it really necessary? Feedback, please...especially from the men!

Sisterly love

2005-10-21T01:33:00.000-07:00

Okay. I have been trying to keep my posts light hearted and not too personal, but I have to vent. I have a sister who is 5 years older than me and to say that we've never been close would be an understatement. I know I have mentioned in previous posts that I babysit my niece every week. I have been doing this every single week for a year and some change. It's been a wonderful experience and I love spending time with Devon every week and watching her grow. The fact of the matter is if I weren't going over there every week, I would see very little of her, primarily due to my work hours and days off. It is difficult for me to make this sacrifice. I work at night which means that I am up all night, even on my days off. There have been many occasions that I've had to rearrange my schedule and pass on things that I've wanted to do because of my commitment to be there. And, the few times I have asked to be excused from my duties so I could have a whole weekend to myself, it has not been well received by my sister. To give you all a little background, it's not like my sister doesn't have any other options. Devon goes to a babysitter the other 4 days I'm not there, and her husband "works from home". I was supposed to babysit last Friday (day after my birthday) and I didn't end up doing it because I woke up with a terrible cold which incidentally, I'm still fending off. I also had some other special problems which I may divulge in a later post. Fast forward to yesterday.
I got my standard 2 hours sleep and I was out the night before, so that didn't help my condition. I had a date planned and I needed to come home and get ready by 6. It's an hour drive. I hadn't been there for more than 15 minutes when my sister comes walking through the door. She came home from work sick. She spent all day in bed which was fine. It was clear that she felt like crap and at least it legitimized my being sick a few days earlier. At about 2 in the afternoon, my brother-in-law comes downstairs and says he is going to his other daughter's water polo game. At about 3 the baby wakes up from her nap and my brother-in-law comes back. I asked him would he mind if I took off in about a half hour. He said it was fine. About 10 minutes later, he comes downstairs with my sister behind him. He takes his punk ass back upstairs so my sister could chastise me for wanting to go home. I am still in shock that she had the gall to basically cuss me out and question my commitment to watching her kid every week for free. I left without saying anything to her. I was just too steamed. I don't know what to do at this point. I recognize the fact that she is completely ungrateful to me for doing this and that she has no regard for my personal time or lack there of. The only reason that I sit here agonizing over whether or not to pull the plug on this whole deal is because I love my niece and it's not her fault that both her parents are selfish control freaks. On the other hand, I refuse to put myself in a situation that I am uncomfortable in or subject myself to being disrespected. It's so complicated when it's family. The same rules don't apply. I feel just like I always did when were growing up. That's a whole other post. Anyone out there have any advice or words of wisdom regarding fucked up family members?
On a different note, the date went well. I am also cat sitting for a co-worker for the next few weeks. Currently the cat is curled up on my lap, purring away and keeping my feet warm. I may have to get a cat of my own after he leaves. We'll see how it goes. Thanks for listening to my ranting. TTFN!

Champaigne wishes and caviar dreams....

2005-10-09T18:15:00.000-07:00

Yahoo! Not only am I officially on vacation for a week, it's my birthday on Thursday! I am posting today because I'm going to be busy all week long. Off to Tahoe tomorrow with some of the girls for a few days of rest and relaxation. Yeah, right! I'm sure I will come home with a few stories, as well as a hangover. I am 2 years into my 3rd decade of life. I'm still not married, nor do I have any potentials hanging in the wind. That's not a bad thing, I just thought I would have taken the plunge by now. I almost did but that would have been a mistake and I'm eternally grateful I realized that before it happened. I'm still not where I want to be financially. I spend too much money. I don't save anything. I live paycheck to paycheck. I have no tax write offs. I suspect these thoughts are symptomatic of my age. I guess the real difference for me now is that I am ready to do something about it. It dawned on me a few days ago that I am completely unfocused and have no long term goals. Sure I do all of the "grown up" things that are expected of me. I go to work, pay my bills, clean my room, etc. The question became is that enough for me? No, it isn't. I have set some long term, realistic goals for myself. The only failure is not trying. I know that is very cliche but the saying definitely applies. Plus, I love a good cliche. I also love the fact that life allows me the oppotunity to gain perspective, self-evaluate, and change my course. I'm tired of learning everything the hard way. In a nut shell...I guess I'm just ready for the rest of me to grow. Ugghh...that sounds old. Happy birthday to me!

Survey says....

2005-10-09T07:06:00.000-07:00

Accent - Southern. Even though I was born and raised in Cali, I am constantly questioned about where my accent derives from.
Bra size - 34C
Chore I hate - Vacuuming.
Dad’s name - William
Essential make-up - Face powder, mascara, chap stick.
Favorite perfume - Good Life (can't remember right now who makes it though).
Gold or Silver? - Silver
Hometown - Alameda
Insomnia - More often than not.
Job Title - Overpaid babysitter and referee.
Kids - See above response. No need for kids.
Living Arrangement - Alone.
Mom’s Birthplace - Granger, Washington
Number of Sexual Partners - Zero. At least for the first half of my life.
Overnight Hospital Stays - No, which is absolutely amazing considering the fact that I am clumsy!
Phobia - Death, spiders, large and strange dogs, open water, flying, earthquakes, and eveything else that I have little or no control over.
Favorite Quote - Opinions are like assholes...everyone has one, and they all stink! (Except for mine, of course).
Religion - Still shopping around.
Siblings - 1 brother, 1 sister.
Two I’m tagging - No one. If you are a frequent flyer of my blog and want to do it, feel free.
Unnatural hair colors I’ve worn - Platinum blonde.
Vegetable I refuse to eat - Lima beans.
Worst habit - Cussing, biting my nails, smoking.
X-rays I’ve had - Dental.
Yummy foods I make - I don't cook anymore.
Zodiac sign - Libra.
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Farewell, toe nail!

2005-10-01T02:11:00.000-07:00

I like my feet, a lot. My feet are one of my favorite things on my body and I try to show them off every chance I get. I hate when Winter arrives along with the rain and I have to shove all of my cute, strappy sandals to the back of closet in lieu of boots. I like boots too (I like shoes, period) but I can't show off my feet when I wear them.
About 6 months ago, some friends and I went out for dinner and drinks. We went back to one of their houses afterward and proceeded to have more drinks. During our drunken stooper, I decided to wrestle with one of the other girls there and pin her down on the carpet. This was a total attempt to get her to sleep with me, in case you were wondering. I still haven't surrendered to the notion that I'm not going to be gay no matter how hard I try. Anyway I was trying to get off of the floor and my foot got caught underneath me and my toes bent forward. It hurt really bad. If I'm not mistaken, one of these girls has video and audio of this whole event. I immediately blamed my friend for making me hurt myself and threatened to file a civil suit against her. These "friends" of mine are still refusing to turn over potential evidence that will help me win my case. I took my shoes off (I had boots on that night) and saw that a ugly bruise was all ready forming underneath the toe nail of my big toe on my right foot. You all need to know the specifics, in case I need you as a character witness. I have been trying to save that toe nail ever since. I gave it extra loving care and even talked to it about how it really didn't want to fall off. I was pretty sure I was going to lose it at some point, but I wasn't ready to let go just yet.
Tonight I went and had dinner with a friend after work. If my memory serves, this is the same "friend" who is in possession of the evidence needed to file my suit. We went to go sit at our table and she was walking in front of me. I accidentally kicked the back of her shoe with the exact toe nail that I've been trying to salvage. It was actually her fault that I kicked her foot. She sort of stutter stepped and threw off my equilibrium which by the way, will also be mentioned in the law suit. How can I be sure that it wasn't a strategy move on her part in a vain attempt to destroy the last bit of hard evidence I had to prove my case? If I had known then what was going to transpire when I got home, I would've demanded a written affidavit from her right then demanding the confession for her part in the conspiracy.
I got home and took my shoes off. I felt the corner of the toe nail pulling up from the bed and I knew it was time to say good bye. I got out my nail clippers and took the necessary action. A replacement nail grew underneath but only halfway so needless to say, I have half of a toe nail now. I'm not happy about this. I am permanently scarred both physically and emotionally. I am left with only one thought: Thank god Winter is on it's way! Bitches!

$25.02

2005-09-27T19:58:00.000-07:00

I am so irritated right now. I just logged on to my bank account and found something very disturbing. A certain corporation who will be named in this blog took money from me when they were supposed to be giving me some. There are 3 major corporations who I am convinced are in cohoots with lucifer.

1.) Verizon wireless: Yes, those friendly folks who spend a ton of money on promoting their "Can you hear me now?" campaign are gauging the ever living hell out of me on a monthly basis. One night while I was at work, I went into the restroom to check my voicemail. When I got off the pot (yes, I was relieving myself...I'm a dispatcher...I multi-task), my phone dropped into the toilet. Shit! I got the phone out and realized immediately there was no point in trying to salvage it. I went back into the cave and called Verizon. I spoke to what seemed to be a very polite and knowledgable gentleman who told me I would have no worries, my plan was covered by insurance, and that they would be sending me a refurbished phone to me ASAP. Come again? You want to give me a phone that someone else sent back cuz the piece of shit didn't work? What the hell is the insurance for then? So then he back tracks and tells me that they have a special going on and that I can get a picture phone (that could be fun) for virtually no cost to me, after rebate. Well then, that's more like it. The phone arrives and I send in the rebates. I get my monthly bill shortly thereafter, and it's for like $300. Aw, hell no. I call them up and they assure me that I have nothing to worry about and that the reason my bill reflected that amount is because I got the phone before their next billing cycle. Fair enough. Well, I am not going to have to pay this, am I? Then they tell me that I have to at least pay a portion so my service doesn't get interrupted and that they will credit me the next month. Fine, whatever. Next month rolls around and still no credit. I call them again. Now they tell me that my rebate was denied because my 2 year contract expired without me renewing it. Well, how does that work? No one called or sent a letter saying that I needed to renew. And what the hell am I supposed to do with this now $200 phone I am in possession of? They tell me I can renew now but I won't get one of the rebates I sent in for because of some corporate bullshit fine print that means nothing to me. I just want my money. I finally concede that I am not going to get all of my money back and settle for accepting half. Half is good, right? Next month comes and they still haven't credited my account. I am more than a little peeved by now. By this time, I have fought with half a dozen people on the phone and I 'm convinced they've placed me on some type of "watch list". I'll jump to the end of this long winded story by saying it finally got resolved that day and I got half of my money back. Bitches.

2.) Comcast Cable: A couple of years ago, I was late paying my cable bill. So what? I don't know bout the rest of ya'll but in my world, you get paid when I get paid. I am working graveyard shift and get off work at 7 in the morning. It's my first day off and I plan on sleeping the whole day away. About 2 hours into my sleep on a fucking Saturday, mind you, I hear someone banging on my front door. I have an iron gate on my front door (no, I don't live in da hood) and when someone bangs on that sucker, it is loud. I don't get up. First of all, I'm not expecting company and anyone who would be dropping by without calling knows they are going to get stabbed when I open the door. Secondly, I am in the middle of my REM and you just don't fuck with a girl during those hours. Whoever is there finally goes away and immediately following that, my phone starts ringing. Now I'm kind of worried. Did something bad happen? I better find out. I answer the phone in my groggy state and there is a guy with a very heavy accent on the phone saying he's from the cable company and he's outside my door to repossess my cable box!!!! So I tell him I just sent the check in the mail the day before (that was really the truth) and he says he needs a check right now or they are going to disconnect my service. So I get my tired, angry ass out the bed and write him a check while he and another technician are staring me down on my front porch. Bitches.

3.) Enterprise Rental Car: A few years ago, I had to take my car in for some repairs and needed a rental. My insurance company reimburses me for $25 a day. I call my local Enterprise to make a reservation and go pick my car up. I actually got straight hook up that time. The guy working at the counter thought I was cute so gave me a nice SUV with all the trimmins for like $15 a day. Sweet. A few weeks ago, I had more car work that needed to be done (I have bad car kharma) so I call Enterprise again hoping I would get some more hook up. Of course that same guy isn't working there anymore, but I figured as long as I stayed within the $25, I would be okay and have something decent to drive. They require a $100 deposit on the car that they are supposed to refund to you when you drop the car off. Let me tell ya'll bout this car this fool put me in. It was a Chevy never heard of it something or other that had no amenities. No CD player, no automatic windows, no automatic door locks. Everything on it was manual like a mo fo. I am by no stretch of the imagination a car snob, but gawd damn! I ain't had a car that I had to do everything myself in years and I didn't even think they made cars like that anymore. Whatever. I just need transportation for the next few days. On a side note, the passengers seat looked like someone left a DNA sample on it. It was gross. I finally get my own car out of the shop and drop the rental off. The same guy that gave this piece of crap rental "inspected" it when I brought it back. He came back into the office all self-righteous telling me that normally he would charge $75 dollars for smoking in it but since it didn't smell like smoke, he wasn't going to. There were some inconspicous cigarette ashes on the back seat that he discovered during his "inspection". He told me he would go ahead and credit my bank account the $100 for the deposit. Whatever. So I get on line today and look at my bank balance and not only have these idiots not credited my $100, they took $25.02 out. I am on my weekend now and the last thing I feel like doing is making phone calls and tracking down my $25.02 but I have to. And all of these corporations know that, and that's how they rob you blind, people! It's not the money, it's the principle. I ain't no punk bitch and I damn sure ain't gonna let the "Big 3" punk me! Time to put on my boxing gloves once again, cuz the fight is about to be on.

P.S.- Do not let this post freak you out. I am really a nice and somewhat rational person. If you have been blessed enough in your own life to never have had to throw down over $25.02, then my hat is off to you. For the rest of you, I know you feel me.

Butterflies or Booty Calls...the $64,000 question...

2005-09-18T01:44:00.000-07:00

Before I get on with the show, I just have to say that I have become way more dependent on my glasses than I ever thought I would be. Initially, they were just for work because I sit in front of a computer all day long frying my brain and waiting for my shift to end. Now, I have to wear them more often than not. I no longer have the option of having them off when I read music or do computer stuff at home, and I know it's only a matter of time before they come to bed with me so I can read before I go to sleep. Welcome to your 30's, people!
Okay, so I was thinking tonight about when you meet someone you really like and you get the butterflies. All ya'll know what I'm talking about. We've all had them at some point or another and it's the best natural high out there. I have been butterfly-less for over 2 years, and that's not for lack of trying. I have been out there with my net trying to catch them, but they just don't come in. For a while, I began to think I was incapable of feeling butterflies and decided I didn't give a crap if I was, cuz let's face it....we all know the shit don't last. But damn it's nice when it's happening, ain't it? The last man to give me butterflies also broke my heart, so what's the point? I'm gonna tell you what the point is. I realized over the past several months, that if a man doesn't give me butterflies, I gotta go. The firefighter gave me no butterflies whatsoever and I justified it to myself by saying that no butterflies was all good cuz then you don't have to feel let down after the honeymoon is over. Whatever you had in the beginning is what you will have in the end. You can say that shit over and over again. HMMMM...let's see. He didn't want to know shit about me, talked about himself incessantly, and made me feel like I was just there for decoration. Yeah...that's how it started and that's how it ended. So now I have a new philosophy and it's: No butterflies, no dice. Now there are a few exceptions to this rule. One of them being a booty call arrangement previously established and agreed upon by both parties. I don't expect to fall in love with someone who has a "break in case of an emergency" status in my life. The bottom line is that I need butterflies. Butterflies, damn it!!! The fact that I'm even capable of admitting that is somewhat a mental breakthrough of sorts. I feel like I've had a few of those lately. I don't know if this has anything to do with me being somewhat of an emotional basket case the past week or so, but I'm going with it.
Maybe this clarity is a direct result of waking up last weekend to a life size cut out of George Bush AKA Satan staring at me dead in the face first thing in the morning! Where the hell was he at 2 in the morning? Bastard must have snuck in during the night and sprinkled some pixie dust on my ass to help me see the error of my ways. Scary.

Ode To Rach

2005-09-15T01:38:00.000-07:00

There is just way too much that has happened since the last time I posted to go there right now! I've got lots of funny and bizarre stories that may or may not make the cut, but more to come later.
Right now I want to talk about one of my soon to be former co-workers. I found out last week that one of my favorite people I work with is leaving us (I say us, but really I mean me). This person is amazing in every way that someone can be amazing. She is smart, funny, adorable, considerate, a jack of all trades, and a master at almost everything. Who the hell is going to proof read my memos for grammatical errors now?! I love the fact that she knows the definition of every word known to man kind, can use it in a sentence, and spell it. I still need to have my "comma discussion" before she goes. She knits like a bandit. She is knitting her wedding dress for crying out loud! Who does that?
When I first starting working there, she was one of the first people I met and immediately liked. Everyone likes/loves/lurves her. If you don't, then you have a serious mental incapacity and should not read any further because I am going to talk about her all through this post. She was my partner on the midnight shift for the longest, and I was grateful for that. She has the answers for everything, but she isn't one of those people who flaunts her intelligence. I confided a lot in her (everyone does that too) because I knew that she can keep a secret better than anyone. She is probably the only person I've ever worked with that didn't fight me about the temperature and the lighting in our cave. And it wasn't because she was afraid too either, if that's what you're thinking.
She is a kick ass and take names dispatcher. Always has been, always will be. She never gets bitchy with anyone. That used to annoy me because I thought she was letting people walk over her. It's a quality I've come to admire because she has always known what others are still learning; and that is it just isn't worth it. The fact that she has been able to maintain that attitude for the past six years she's been there is completely beyond me. We all used to make fun of her and call her "A.M. love" cuz she has this sultry, soft voice that comes over the radio like honey on a biscuit. I never get tired of hearing her dispatch.
I am just so fucking sad she is leaving. There have been plenty who have come and gone before her, but this one hits really close to home. It's a bitter pill to swallow knowing that one of the most valued and loved dispatchers is leaving, and there is nothing anyone can do. Too little, too late. It sucks ass!
Rach, I love ya and I wish you the best. I know you will be a success no matter where you go and what you do. It's just who you are. And don't think your leaving lets you off the hook for letting me have a sneak peak at your finished product! I know where you live, and where you work! See you around.....

More odd tidbits from my mother

2005-09-01T01:23:00.000-07:00

My mom called me today.
Her: Hi. I called to see how your date was the other night.
Me: It was fine but I'm kind of irritated with him right now, so I'm not really in the mood to talk about it.
Her: I was going to warn you.
Me: About what?
Her: About firefighters. They have a reputation, ya know. For being players.
Me: Well, thanks a lot for telling me that after the fact. I'll call you later.

Okay. I just have one question. What in the hell does my mom know about players, or firefighting players for that matter? I probably don't want to know the answer to that question. I was laughing so hard thinking about that conversation all day. Every time I told the story, the other person laughed too. So I know it wasn't just me. I tell my mom everything. In comparison to most of my friends, maybe I tell her too much. On multiple occasions people have gawked in horror when I tell them that I've told my mom certain things. I'm glad we have that kind of relationship, but today I was just annoyed. I needed everyone to ask me, "Do you want me to kick his ass?" I didn't want to hear that she was going to warn me about something that for the life of me cannot figure out how she has any knowledge of.

I don't really want to go into great detail about why I'm annoyed with this person, although I will tell the jist of it. When I meet someone, I don't play around with trying to conceal any of my flaws. I tell people up front that I'm not putting up with certain things. Most of the things that annoy me require minimal common sense to figure out, but I don't automatically expect someone to know that. So, one of these common sense things that annoy me happened...let's just say that I didn't appreciate the way this person handled the situation. I had two options at my feet. I could turn the other cheek or I could speak my mind. What do you think I did? I am damn there 32 years old and have dated enough men to know that if I don't speak my mind, that's basically saying to the other person that I'll be their doormat. I've all ready been there and done that. No one, I repeat, no one is worth fucking up my self-esteem just so I can have someone to go out with. I wouldn't say I went O-F-F. I wanted to, but I didn't. When I got a reply, I was even more pissed. He went O-F-F on me! WTF?! Oh, I don't even know where the hell that came from. You were wrong, and you have nerve to try and turn that shit around on me? So, I guess this is argument number 1? I cannot stand men that assume that if they are halfway decent looking and acting that they're doing all of us women a favor by gracing us with their presence! What? You did something wonderful by approaching me and then taking me out a couple of times? Wow...cuz that's never happened before! Why don't you do something really fabulous like cure cancer, and then talk to me. I don't even have time for this drama, I sware.

A Tale from the Dentist Chair

2005-08-24T23:39:00.000-07:00

I had to go to back to the dentist today to get some bonding done on my two front teeth. A little background. I have been doing Invisalign treatment since last October and I am done now. I go to the orthodontist tomorrow at which time hopefully, my doctor will tell me I'm all done and free to chew gum again. My orthodontist is the one that wanted me to get the bonding because he thought it would look better cosmetically. Why should I care? I have insurance and my mom works in the office of the dentist I go to, so really I don't have to pay for jack all, which is nice. I am a very neurotic person and while I don't mind having somewhat invasive procedures being performed on me, I do like to know what exactly is going to happen before it happens. The explanation the dentist gave seemed straight forward and uncomplicated.
So I am laying there with my mouth propped open by some rubber block kind of thing with cotton in my gums to keep the teeth that were being worked on dry. The assistant was doing the thing with the saliva sucker. I am positive that saliva sucker is not the correct technical term for the appliance that sucks the saliva out of your mouth, but you get the point. I am also a very impatient person and when things take longer that what I think they should, I get very irritable. After about 30 minutes of having my mouth open, it's getting very dry. I was fiending for my chap stick in a major way and I felt like I had to swallow constantly. Every time I did swallow, the assistant took that as a sign that I needed the saliva sucker treatment and would put it into my mouth and suck nothing into the tube. There was nothing to suck. If you've ever smoked weed then you are familiar with the term cotton mouth. Multiply that feeling by about a 1,000, and that's what my mouth felt like. Now I come up with a different strategy. I just won't swallow. This worked for a little while but then she just began to randomly give me the saliva sucking treatment when she deemed it necessary. I had to physcially restrain myself several times from smacking that fucking tube out of her hand and then smacking her! By the time it was over, I was purposely waiting for her to give me the saliva sucking treatment and then immediately swallowing after, just to let her know I was still running this shit. I was in that dentist chair for an entire hour before it was over. And the sad part about it, is the only reason the dentist was being so thorough, was because he was doing work for another dentist and was going to be subject to the scrutiny of my orthodontist. It's like some alpha male bullshit and I'm just the random bystander. That prick didn't give a rat's ass how I felt. My teeth were there to make him look good and that was all that mattered. The good news in all this? As a direct result of the dentist's ego, my teeth look great. The bad news. I don't ever want to go the dentist again, especially if the saliva sucker is involved!

To Whom It Does Concern.........

2005-08-22T23:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Punk Ass,
I guess you thought you were pretty slick the other night when you called me. Hmmmm...kind of funny/obvious that you read my post talking about the date I was going to have and that you called me the day of. You haven't called me out of the blue in several months, so what gives? And of course, you being the punk ass that you are, didn't say that you read it. Instead it was a bunch of vague questions about what I had been up to lately and what I was going to be up to the next couple of days. Blah, blah, blah. Well, you know what? I did go out on my date and I had a great time and you are not the only person that recognizes me for the worthy and deserving person I am. You were just too scary and dumb to hold on to what you could have had for yourself! I am really angry at you right now, but that anger made me realize something the other night. I realized that I'm over you because I never could have been angry with you before. It only took 2 years, but better late than never. It's funny, ya know? I never would've pegged you for what I refer to as the "in the event guy." The guy that always calls when he senses the girl is moving on in order to gauge his current status in her life. Could he still get some, date, marry, etc. "in the event" that he wanted to. I don't think I need to answer that question for you, but more importantly, I don't need to answer it for myself any longer. Someone once said if you're ugly on the inside, you're ugly on the outside. While you most certainly are not ugly on the outside, and I don't believe you are ugly on the inside either, one thing is for certain: The way you did me was ugly. I was crazy for you and I thought you felt the same way. You certainly did a lot of sweet things for me and if that didn't come from a sincere place, well then that just makes you stupid. And an asshole. And of course I can't talk to you about any of this because you are completely ill equipped to have a conversation regarding feelings or emotions on any level. No matter. You'll probably read this anyway and find some way to make yourself a martyr, like you always do. And then you will act as if you didn't read this. If that's not a punk ass, then I don't know what is! Best of luck to you, because that's about all I have to offer to you at this point. You are miserable with your own life and you obviously have no desire to change that. So maybe a little luck will take care of some of the things that you're too chicken shit to address!

Sincerly,
The Sassiest X (If you don't know, now you know)

Tales from the technically handicapped

2005-08-16T18:48:00.000-07:00

My mom called me on Sunday. Ring Ring. Me: Hi mom. Her: Oh, you knew it was me. You must have that thing on your phone. Me: You mean caller ID? Her: Yeah, that thing. I should get that too so I don't accidentally answer the phone when telemarketers call. Me: Yeah, well it's only been available for the past 15 years so I'm pretty sure it's here to stay.
The very fact that technology is forever changing at a rapid pace is one of the many reasons I grew up feeling deprived. My parents didn't believe in updating anything. We never had cable. We didn't have call waiting until I called the phone company at 16 disguising myself as my mom and had it added onto our "archaic, still living in the 50's, dialing a rotary phone" plan. I had to have it. I was 16 and lived on the phone. If I only had a clue as to what my job would end up being...on second thought, I probably still would have spent every waking moment talking to friends. We didn't get a microwave until I was like 14. By that time, the gargantuant first models were obsolete (thank god), so at least we got a somewhat modern version. I don't have many vivid memories of growing up (thank god), but the day the microwave was purchased is one I will never forget. First of all, you have to understand a little background on the players. Dad: Technological retard. Gets pissed off when he can't figure something out. Is extremely liable to throw said technology product out the window and storm off to go smoke a carton of Winston Lights. (If this personality profile reminds you of someone, keep your stupid opinion to yourself =) ). Mom: Also a technological retard, but willing to admit her shortcomings so you pity her. Berates my dad the entire time he is twisted up in ten cords and cussing like a sailor. Reads the directions after the said product has been put together incorrectly so she has another opportunity to berate my dad until he is on the verge of stroking out. Me, brother, sister: hopefully far away from all of this chaos. I was home the day the microwave came into our lives. The hook up of this product actually came off without a hitch. You plug it in. Done. The funny part of this story is when my parents cooked their first microwaveable product. It was popcorn...my mom is an absolute popcorn freak and up until the microwave's debut, she cooked it on the stove top. She probably had that box of microwavable popcorn stashed somewhere in the house for 10 years before she got to pop it properly. So...mom puts the bag of popcorn in and starts fiddling with the buttons. My dad is hollering because he wants to do the honors...he was the one that plugged it into the outlet, after all. My mom gets the thing going and then her and my dad pull up two chairs from the kitchen table and sat there for 5 minutes watching it whirl round and round. You should have seen their faces when it started popping. I think they were more moved by this experience then the birth of any of their 3 children. I happened to walk into the kitchen during the experience and I was so mortified. Thank the lord I didn't have a friend over!
Is it a wonder I am in dire need of therapy?

Random Rantings

2005-08-16T00:28:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a co-worker and fellow blogger tonight and she told me a little story about someone else we work with who is dying to find out her new blog address and proceeded to tell her that basically just about everyone we work with reads not only her blog, but all of our blogs (all of us meaning other co-workers who also blog). She was surprised by this information while I wasn't in the slightest. Every time I post I am aware of the fact that eyes are watching and probably waiting for me to slip up and say something stupid. Not gonna happen! I obviously have no problem with anyone reading anything that I write. If I did, then there would be no point in me writing in a public forum. While I think it's funny in a sad, pathetic kind of way that people who genuinely pose no interest in me and who I am would read about my life in a highly generic form, we are all entitled to exercise our freedoms. I feel like Ms. Nancy from Romper Room....I see so and so....I see such and such....Oh yes I see you too, you nasty little freak! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Onward and upward....just wanted you to know that I watch you right back!!!!
So last Thursday, my lesbian friends and I (whole other story regarding blogs), went to the Jazz Festival in San Jose. I really didn't feel like going considering the fact that I am not a big fan of jazz, but I figured since I was off and all of my fellow gay mates were going, I should also make an appearance. I didn't want any other women putting the moves on my girls. I'm kind of territorial that way. And I'll be damned if a real, live man with a penis didn't hit on me! Well, I haven't yet confirmed that he does in fact have a penis, but for the sake of argument, we'll just call him a man for now. It was actually my odd looking purse that struck up a conversation between us. There is a distinct possibility that he could also be gay based on that opening line, but then we could really be good friends and shop together. He could also help me pick up on hot chics. It works out great for everyone, don't you think?
Okay, enough bullshit...here's what really happened. My odd looking purse did stike up a conversation....that's true....oh and it's also true that I haven't confirmed if he has a penis or not...the rest is bullshit. I'm not gay, though sometimes I wonder if my life would be less complicated if I were. We ended up chatting for quite some time....the usual stuff. Where you live, what you do for a living, etc. He is a fire fighter (hmm...that's something new) and very cute, but not too cute. Too cute gets me into trouble. He ended up hanging out with me and the 6 other girls I was with the majority of the night. That was kind of cool because then I didn't have to tell my friends about a guy I met because they met him too. Anyway, after the show, we had dinner alone (kind of funny how that worked out) and agreed that we would hang out again. I didn't kiss him goodbye and I didn't get naked. Kissing and getting naked gets me into trouble. So the next day, which is Friday, he calls me and we chat for a little while. I kind of dig his personality and the way he reacts to mine. It doesn't seem to bother him in the slightest that I am crazy, but I'm not stupid. I know he is only doing this cuz he wants to get into my pants. I'm excited but not too excited. Too excited gets me into trouble. I'm going to omit some of the story here cuz it's personal and it ain't yo business! This is the very cool part about blogging...I tell you only what I'm okay with you knowing. We're going out tomorrow and I have some questions to ask and some statements to make. Look people...I have, for all intents and pursposes, been single for 3 years now. I have learned a lot of shit about myself and about men. I am going forward with eyes wide open and I ain't taking no shit! That's not to say I'm not going to do my best to give this guy a fair shot at proving he is a lying, cheating, no good, rat bastard cuz I'm all about letting folks do their thang. I'm half kidding about that. Hopefully, at best I'll have a good time, and at worst, get a free dinner! And if it doesn't work out, there's always lesbianism!!!!!

Freaks of the Industry

2005-08-10T16:13:00.000-07:00

Ummmm....I'm thinkin' it was a bad idea to post about crack heads! They've been stalking me on my comments section the past couple of days disguising themselves as bloggers. They're spamming me! If you're interested in having nightmares, click on "Bullseye" and have a little lookey loo at his blog! ***It is now that I write the letters H-E-L-P on the window that is relentlessly fogging up at a high rate of speed due to the serial killer that has me tied up in his lynching wagon A.K.A red neck truck*** Yikes!
I went to the dentist today. Am I the only person the hygenist tries to have a conversation with while I get my teeth cleaned? Why do they do that? Do they honestly think I am capable, let alone willing, to talk to someone with my mouth wide open while being poked and prodded? I am a talker and I do like my teeth cleaning lady, but come on! And I hate it because she always says something during the proceedings that I want to comment on but I can't. Maybe that's the idea....hmmm....I smell a conspiracy.
I also went to get a hair cut today. That annoyed me also. It's very possible to talk while getting a hair cut. In fact, it's mandatory. What's not possible is for my hair dresser to style my hair the way it's supposed to be. She's been cutting my hair for well over 5 years and it's always the same 2 issues with her....she cuts my bangs too short and blow dries my hair to make it look the equivalent of me just rolling out of bed! It didn't help that I went in today not having a clue of how I wanted my hair cut. She kept looking at me like I was an idiot....she was, I saw her! Bitch probably did it on purpose. I'm a little angry today.
I called someone who I thought was my friend to ask him for a favor. First words out of his mouth....What is it? Well....excuse the fuck out of me, but I don't recall you asking what the favor was any of the times that you had an ulterior motive for doing the favor. Punk ass! I never asked you for a favor before anyway! So I told him it wasn't a sexual favor. Don't ask why I said that cuz I don't know. After I asked him for the favor which is something I can do by myself asshole, he agreed. Then I said something really dumb and asked him if it had been something sexual, would he have said no? Let's just say I didn't appreciate his answer. Asshole: First of all, I wasn't calling you for a sexual favor...please! Look at me and then go look at yourself. Any questions? Secondly, I don't ask anyone for sexual favors. I'd rather invest in a new toy and a lifetime supply of rechargable batteries before I stoop to that level! Lastly and most importantly, if I did ask you for a sexual favor, you'd be tripping all over your ugly, cheap shoes to accomodate me! So there!

Crack Chronicles

2005-08-08T18:15:00.000-07:00

I think that Jeopardy needs to create a new catergory for their viewers called "Crack Chronicles" which would pose several questions regarding crack head behavior....
To all questions asked, the answer would be "What is a crack head?" Let me know what you think....

-This person can be seen randomly directing traffic or unsolicitidly assisting in parking matters (Hint: they're not a traffic cop).

- This person can be seen yelling at passing vehicles or if highly agitated, sitting or laying in the middle of the street for no apparent reason.

- This person will clean your carpet better than any professional if its believed a potential fix lies somewhere deep in the fibers.

- This person, if of the female persuasion, will attempt to demonstrate their cat walk abilities on the track doing their best to convince you that they were the runner up in last seasons America's Next Top Model.

- ***Bonus Double Jeopardy question*** This person will obsessively apply and re-apply any lip ointment on hand to their endlessly dried out lips. (A picture of Whitney Houston next to the question may be appropriate here). Hey....it's double jeopardy for crying out loud!

Please look in the mirror prior to leaving the house

2005-08-02T17:43:00.000-07:00

I went to Target yesterday and spent $70 on a bunch of shit I didn't need. I needed toothpaste and while I know I can get toothpaste from just about any store, I wanted to go to Target because it's cheaper. At least that's what I tell myself. There is no logic in driving 15 miles to the closest Target to save 50 cents when it probably costs at least 3 times that much in gas. I don't think about things like that very often which would probably explain the $0 balance in my savings account. Aside from the toothpaste that constituted $3 of my total purchase, I bought moisturizer, a new toothbrush to match the toothpaste, of course, and candles. I have major spending issues.
After leaving Target filled with buyer's remorse (but not enough to return anything, mind you), I went to Nordstom Rack. I figured I was on a roll and could probably find something to waste my money on there. I wanted to buy a dress. A cute, summery little thing that would offer me an alternative to my uniform of choice: jeans. I don't do well in stores like Nordstrom Rack, Marshalls, Ross, etc. The main reason for this is that I feel very impatient when milling around through hundreds of items that are all different and when you do see something cute, it's not your size or it's got someone else's bodily fluids permanently etched into the fabric. I was on a mission today, however. I managed to find 3 dresses that I thought fit into the catergory of summery and cute. I took them to the fitting room and didn't end up liking any of them. It wasn't a big deal. I am actually quite used to this happening, mainly because I study myself in the mirror like a bug under a microscope and if there is anything on my body hanging, bulging, or jiggling, I ain't buying it. Which brings me to the title of this post.
There are far too many of us ladies wearing things that we should not be wearing. I'm not necessarily speaking on having to "dress your age" because believe me, I have seen women 20 years older than me that can pull off outfits that I've never been able to. I'm talking to the ladies that look like that they got dressed blindfolded in Baby Gap. It is your responsibility to protect the rest of the world from having see what you should have seen before you left the house! Do not just examine yourself from the front. Look at yourself from the back with a mirror and also to the side. Unless you are suffering from cataracts, this will probably do the trick. And please whatever you do ladies, do not rely on your family, friends, man, etc. to tell you the cold truth about how you look in what your wearing. They love you far too much to tell you that you look like a sausage in an ill fitted casing or could be a shoe-in for the Michelin man. This is not about being a full figured woman. I have many friends who have some extra junk who dress more fashionably than I do and look fabulous doing it. It's just about looking in the mirror and telling yourself the truth. Showing your assests and hiding your liabilities, cuz god knows we all got them! I have to be brutally honest with myself every day and it sucks, but it's for the good of society that I do this. I am a strong advocate for and an active participant in a little peek-a-boo with some T&A every now and then but just don't get carried away! If you look like you just got done swinging off the nearest pole, cover yourself up!

Just checking in....

2005-06-22T23:23:00.000-07:00

Hello all! Just checking in. I have been told by some folks that I never post, so here goes. I was thinking about posting on Father's Day after reading other people's blogs (yes Brandy, I was visting your imaginary friend's) and feeling inspired to say something touching. The problem was I didn't have anything touching or moving to write about regarding my relationship with my father or any father figure. Ironically, the night before I was reading a very old journal of mine...like circa 1989. It was mostly funny but also a little depressing because everytime I spoke of the male species I sounded so hateful and angry. I obviously hated my father during that period of my life. That really wasn't a surprise. However, apparently I hated all men during that time of my life. That's really sad to me considering how young I was when I wrote that. Do I hate men now? I don't feel like I do but not being in a long term relationship for the past 3 years doesn't really offer much of an answer to the question. I would say if anything, I have learned how men think and while at times that may be frightening, there is comfort in knowing...comfort and safety. Whatever...on to the next subject before this turns into a self-anaysis.
I went and picked up my glasses yesterday. Oh well, I guess not everyone knew I was getting glasses. I didn't know either until I had my eye exam and realized I was going blind. So yes, I got glasses but just for reading. Basically that means only at work because while I do read for pleasure at home, it's not really imperative that I see clearly when I'm not at work. Although, I am wearing them right now just so I can adjust. I had to bring them back today because whatever the lady at the store did to adjust them to sit on my face made me look about 64. I'm just not ready for that...to look 30 years older than I am. So, I am happy with them now. Now I look 31 with glasses.
Not much else is happening with me. At least in terms of things I can talk about. I guess that's why I don't post much. I have to use so much discretion and there are so many things that are off limits, what's the point? I am pretty much restricted to talk about all of the mundane and trivial things in my life which let's face it....are boring!
Well, I am going to end this now....ho hum...one of these days I'll grow a pair and talk about what's really going on...........

The Price is Right

2005-06-03T10:02:00.000-07:00

What? I am actually up early enough to be watching the Price is Right! What a trip! It's like a journey back in time. I loved game shows when I was a kid. Game shows were the shit long before there were talk shows or reality TV. Bob Barker looks like he may keel over on this very show I am watching!!! That's the depressing aspect of taking a journey back in time....while they may bring warm feelings of nostalgia, they also serve as a reminder to how old we are getting. Blah! I have enough reminders of my age all around me. Watching a game show should not be one of them. Oh well.
So we are back from Vegas without incident. Oh....what a trip that was! Probably the most interesting ever, for me anyway. I felt like I was going to die by Wednesday. You all have to understand that 3 of us, myself included, were there the whole time and we didn't stop until Thursday. I can't believe I actually managed to make it to work on Friday for a 12 hour shift. Brutal!
I have been off work all this week. It's been nice. I was supposed to be away from home for a couple of days but that got cut a bit short for reasons that I am still trying to piece together. Never mind. I can't really address something that isn't clear to me as of yet. Everything happens for a reason. Can I tell you that I am sunburned beyond belief? I had the top down yesterday and the sun felt so good. I knew I was frying but I couldn't feel it at the time. Why does that happen? You should be able to feel yourself burning alive while it's happening. So now I have this ridiculous sunburn covering half of my upper body cuz you know I had my seat belt on! Hysterical. Painful, but hysterical.
Tomorrow I am going to Hughson for my best friends housewarming party that come to find out, she may not even be at. Her husband who is very ill is having some kind of surgery that may be a bit more complicated then they originally thought. Can I just say something? You know that you are gravely ill when you plan a "routine surgery" on a Saturday when you are supposed to have a house full of guests. That is not intended to be a joke. I know a few people that have several health issues on a daily basis and their courage and resilience is absolutely mind boggling to me. I don't know if I am a strong enough person to be able to cope with bad health. Physical health, that is. I've got coping with poor mental health down to a science! That was intended to be funny! On that note, I am going to end this. I have things to do!

Frustration

2005-05-16T18:08:00.000-07:00

That word about sums up the current state of events in my life. Things are not going badly per se but I just don't see any end in sight to my levels of frustration. Namely I am speaking about work stuff. It's always the same story. Two steps forward, five steps back. I always start my work week in the same mental frame of mind...I know how long this week is going to be but it's okay because I am prepared. I have it all meticulously documented in my date book AKA the bible and I can plan my sleep times or lack of accordingly. There is nothing more frustrating then arriving to work at the start of your day only to realize that things done changed. Oh, you thought you were only working a 10 hr day? Wrong! You thought you would be all right with your 5 or 6 hrs of sleep cuz you are getting off that night at a decent time? Wrong! You thought someone else would come to your rescue so you could get off work prior to the butt crack of dawn? Wrong! The most significant realization of all is that regardless of how tired and cranky you may be due to several events completely out of your control, you better not get caught slippin and taking out your frustrations on those you are dealing with. There will be hell to pay if that happens, at least in my world. It's just the never ending story of my job. We never have enough people on staff and amongst the few of us who are working the non existent 40 hr work week, people get sick, go on vacation, want the occasional Sat. night off to feel like a normal person, etc. Okay...enough of the venting about work...there isn't enough battery power in this laptop to sustain the amount of time I need to fully encompass my feeling and thoughts.

Another frustration before I move on to my happly place...ignorant men. Some of my gal pals know of the specific man I am referring to. For those of you who don't, I will try to explain the best I can without telling on myself too much. I met this guy at a club a few months back. We spent a little time together and it wasn't long before I realized it wasn't going anywhere. He had multiple issues such as he was in the club every weekend, he never bought a drink for me or himself for that matter, he looked like he always wore the same 2 outfits, and he seemed to have no direction in life except to be a life time student. That's fine if you are in your 20's and just getting out in the world. It's not okay when you are well into your 30's, you live with someone else (whole other story), and you are broke. And I know he was broke cuz like I said, he never bought drinks and his idea for a "first date" was playing tennis...not at a private club or something like that...at a public court where rackets and tennis balls could be provided at no cost to the players. Needless to say, I was a no show for that one. Good looks and alcohol can only carry a relationship so far. So we didn't really talk after that and the only time I would see him is when I went to the club and he was there. Gee, what a surprise that was!! Fast forward to Friday night. I am at home in bed, getting ready to go to sleep. Knock, knock, knock. It's 2 in the freaking morning. WTF? Rewind a bit for a moment. This guy showed up at my house a few weeks ago in the middle of the night and I was on the phone with a girlfriend. I was sitting in my living room when I heard the knock at the door and I knew he heard me talking cuz a) I talk louder than anyone I know and b) I had the window open. So I take the phone and hide in my bathroom with my "friend" still on the line while she is laughing hysterically and saying supportive things like, "He is crazy", "He's homeless", and "I am glad he is not going away cuz now you get to see how crazy he really is." Thanks. He proceeded to bang on my door at least 20 times before I put the phone down and answered the door so I could get rid of him. At that point I told him that I was busy, he couldn't come in, and to not come over without calling. He looked a little dejected but he left. I thought that was the end of it until this past Friday when I heard the knock at my door. Now I'm pissed. He is going out of his way to disrespect me now and I'm not having it. I open the door and I must have looked a little crazy cuz he didn't say nothing for a second until I asked him what he wanted. That was a dumb question but I thought that maybe by forcing him to be accountable for his stupid actions, he would realize that he was completely out of line. Didn't happen. He wanted to know if he could come in! I told him no. He asked why. I should've just slammed the door then but I didn't. I told him why. He asked did I have company? Nerve! I said yes, sarcastically mind you. Then I told him to not ever show up at my house unexpectedly. He said he didn't have my phone number. That's when I shut, not slammed, the door. I was furious and I could hardly wait to wake up the next day to send him the most insulting e-mail I have ever written...and I've written a few in my day. His reply. To please (at least his said please) don't contact him anymore cuz it isn't necessary. Come again. It is very necessary to contact you when you act like a freaking crazed stalker that ain't got the sense god gave you to make choices that don't impose upon others. Whatever! Unbelievable, that's all I can say.

On to happier things....Vegas baby! Yes...the time is almost here to get on that plane, be 3 sheets to the wind for an entire week, and party with the girls! I can't wait. It's sad but this trip has been the only thing getting me though the long weeks at work. Exactly one week from today, I will be at the airport, far away from all of the dramas playing out back at the homestead. I need it...so do most of us making the journey. All of us going with the exception of one person work together. That may seem bizarre to some people...the thought of going on a vacation with people you see way too much of at work but it's different on our free time. We don't talk or think about work when we are together and we have friendships that extend beyond the decaying walls of our jobs. I am pretty confident that I could be friends with all of them regardless of the circumstances that brought us together and I cherish all of them. Love ya girls! I probably won't post again before we leave and depending on the events that take place while on vacation, I may not post for a long while after....so TTFN!

I'm grounded

2005-04-12T23:03:00.000-07:00

I feel so much better today than I have all week. I spent the day with my beloved niece, Devon. I didn't get to see her last week because I was sick, but had I known what a crap week I was in store for, I would've made the journey just to see her face. I love her so much that it makes me want to cry. Every week is like a gift. Seeing her hit all of the milestones of babyhood reminds me of the important things in life. Her latest thing is nodding yes or shaking her head no....let me just say, it's hysterical! Especially when I told her come to auntie today and she shook her head no and ran off!!! She can quack like a duck! She can say cat....it's all just so amazing and I am so grateful to have her in my life. I totally needed that today.
On a different note, I finished a really interesting book last night. The premise was a little bizarre but the message was so powerful. Basically, it was about the way people are destroying everything in this world with greed and their relentless pursuit of power and control. I got to thinking about how difficult it is trying to survive in this life and how I wish I would have lived in a more simple time. I have thought about how much happier we would all be if we just lived off the land per se. Of course that's not going to happen because the damage is done and the average person isn't going to give up their half million dollar home and fifty thousand dollar car in exchange for a harpoon and a small tent. I don't know how inclined I would be to give up all of my wordly possessions either, but it was thought provoking nonetheless. Sorry....I know I got a little off the beaten path there....well, I gotta rap this up...I got to practice piano!

100 things

2005-04-11T18:34:00.000-07:00

Okay...so I guess I am jumping on the band wagon too. Actually, I feel like now is the right time to reveal 100 things about myself that some may not know about me and maybe those who read this can gain some insight into the person they see me as. So here goes.....

1.) There are some things I am not going to reveal.
2.) This is because I think if I am completely honest, people will judge me.
3.) I worry about being judged a lot.
4.) I don't make that obvious to many people.
5.) I protect myself with a rough exterior and a sharp wit.
6.) This usually works well for me.
7.) It hasn't worked well recently.
8.) There are few people in this world that know who I really am.
9.) The people that do know the real me still love me.
10.) It takes a long time for me to allow people in.
11.) I can talk to anyone.
12.) I can usually make anyone laugh too.
13.) I am funny.
14.) I laugh to keep from crying.
15.) I don't enjoy crying.
16.) But I usually feel better after I do.
17.) The hardest thing I have dealt with so far in life is the death of my father.
18.) I blamed myself for his death for a long time.
19.) Part of me still does.
20.) The reason for that is because we got into a big argument before he died.
21.) I felt like I upset him to the point that his heart stopped beating.
22.) That is a guilt I do not wish on my worst enemy.
23.) I don't have any enemies.
24.) I have really good instincts about people.
25.) Sometimes I deny my inner instincts about people.
26.) It's always something I regret later.
27.) I have a lot of regrets so far in my life.
28.) Some of them I am trying to correct and make right.
29.) Some of them are not correctable.
30.) I have a hard time with forgiveness.
31.) Especially self-forgiveness.
32.) I have been forgiven by others for past wrongs.
33.) That lets me know forgiveness is possible.
34.) I have a lot to be grateful for.
35.) I try to remind myself of that during tough times.
36.) I have worked really hard for everything I have.
37.) I am a hard worker.
38.) That's because I think anything that comes easy isn't worth holding onto.
39.) I learn things the hard way.
40.) This has been a blessing and a curse throughout my life.
41.) I love kids.
42.) But I don't think I want any of my own.
43.) I may change my mind if my circumstances change.
44.) That is doubtful.
45.) I rarely change my mind.
46.) Especially with things I am passionate about.
47.) I am an extremely passionate person.
48.) If I love someone I love them forever.
49.) No matter how much they hurt me.
50.) I have been hurt a lot.
51.) Especially by the men in my life.
52.) I have made bad relationship choices.
53.) I have payed for those choices.
54.) I believe in true love.
55.) I don't think many people find it.
56.) I am a pessimist.
57.) I am trying to be more positive.
58.) It is a daily struggle.
59.) I am afraid of death.
60.) That is by far my biggest fear.
61.) I am very confused about God and religion.
62.) I don't know what I believe in.
63.) That scares me.
64.) I think people can still be good without believing in God.
65.) I don't know if I fall into that category or not.
66.) I think the core of me is good.
67.) I think the core of most people is good.
68.) I wish I could bring that to the surface more.
69.) I want people to like me.
70.) Being liked is sometimes more important to me than being respected.
71.) That is not a good thing.
72.) I am trying to work on that too.
73.) On respecting myself.
74.) I like who I am.
75.) It hurts me when that's not good enough for others.
76.) It shouldn't matter what other people think of me.
77.) It does matter to me.
78.) A lot.
79.) I am trying to be true to myself.
80.) It's the biggest challenge I have ever faced.
81.) I am a very mentally strong person.
82.) This is a blessing and curse also.
83.) I don't like weak minded people.
84.) I don't like fake people.
85.) I am not a fake person.
86.) I am proud of that.
87.) I hate being wrong.
88.) I can admit when I am wrong.
89.) I like that about me too.
90.) Sometimes I can be brutally honest.
91.) I need to work on that.
92.) I am very opinionated.
93.) It is hard for me to keep my opinions to myself.
94.) I never hurt people intentionally.
95.) I have known people that do.
96.) I have to stay away from toxic people.
97.) There are a lot of toxic people in this world.
98.) There are also a lot of good people in this world.
99.) I am one of them.
100.) I am done with my 100 things.

Thanks for reading.

2005-04-08T17:14:00.000-07:00

I had a talk with an old friend last night. I needed to talk to someone who knows me inside and out and loves me unconditionally. I needed to talk to someone who knows my inner strengths but also my weaknesses and imperfections. This someone doesn't judge me when I don't get it right the first or fiftieth time. This someone provides me with growth opportunities on a daily basis and is there to pick me up and dust me off when I screw it up. I haven't talked to this someone for a very long time. I figured things were going okay without this someone in my life. If I got into a serious jam, I could always attempt to strike up a bargain deal. Like, if such and such happens, I will do such and such in return. This has worked for me in the past but like everything else in life....it only works until it stops working.
So....I have called upon this old friend to help me search within myself and find my inner strength to carry me through this rough period. I have faith that I will prevail with the help from my old friend.

2005-03-30T21:38:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll...it's been a while. I don't even know why I am doing this blog shit anymore. My 2 co-workers who are blog savvy have me feeling very inept at this. I don't like that feeling. Granted, these 2 beloved friends of mine spend way too much time reading and commenting on people's blogs. I'm sorry guys...but I think you may be obssessed. Nevertheless, when I look at their fancy blogs with all of their on line chats, comments, pictures, and what not, I can't help but to feel a little left out of the loop. That's just my own neediness talking. I know that. It's a good thing to know.
So I am cleaning my bathroom last night when the telephone rings. I am knee deep in Comet and Pine Sol and contemplate not looking at the caller ID...but that's just not my way. I see the phone number and I know I know it but I can't place it for a few seconds. Then it comes to me and my heart sinks into my stomach. What to do? I have to answer it because no matter how many times I have told myself to forget this guy, when he calls, which is once in a blue moon mind you, I have to pick up the phone. It's like an impulse that I cannot deny. So I answer and try to sound surprised, but not too surprised that it's him. We go through all of the nice formalities...the hellos and how are yous. He says he has called for a favor. Without even wondering what kind of risk I am taking by agreeing to it, I say sure...what do you need? He wants to know if I still have his cell phone number stored in my phone book because he is thinking of getting his phone turned back on and he wants to keep the same number. The issue of him not having a cell phone for the past year is a whole other story that need not be told at this time. I tell him no I don't still have his phone number saved but I still remember it. Ugghh! Right after I said this, I wanted to take it back...just grab hold of the words I just uttered and stuff them back into my big mouth they just came out of. Too late. I feel like the biggest dork for still knowing his phone number when he himself can't remember it, or so he says. We stay on the phone for a few more minutes to make small talk and I find myself asking him things that are no longer my business. Actually, they were never my business to begin with. I realize that now. Oh, it makes me mad.
Once upon a time a few years ago, me and this guy met. We met at a place where I meet lots of people and think nothing of it. He proceeded to flirt with me and say things that surprised me coming from a guy like him....we'll just leave it at that....what I mean when I say a guy like him. He was younger than me (well, he still is) and sooooo freaking cute. I am talking pretty boy cute...the kind that can make me swoon when I don't feel like being swooned. I hadn't been broken up with Reggie for very long at the time and I had managed to keep myself busy with various "projects" to pass the time. I was not looking to fall in love when we met and I told him that. So WTF happened?! He was unbelievably romantic and so damn attentive. He told me I was beautiful on a daily basis and made me feel like I was the only woman he could see. This one time (no not at band camp!), he came into my house and put a ridculous amount of roses and Hershey kisses all over the place. There's a story behind that but some things are intended to be between the 2 people involved. Then this other time we drove out to the Napa Valley and he stopped the car in the middle of this country road to lean over and kiss me like I have never been kissed. I remember being in Reno during the summer with a friend and making her sick over the way I was pining away for him. Then my 30th birthday came along and we spent one last night together. He gave me a generous gift certificate to get me started on the piano lessons I mentioned in passing that I had always wanted to take. These were the things that amazed me about him. All of things I thought I was just saying to feel in the silence were being heard. Everytime he asked a question and I gave an answer, he was really listening. I fell in love and didn't even know what hit me. Then something happened...that climatic turning point when the road splits into two different paths and I went one way and he went the other. At the time, I didn't know that's what was happening. It wouldn't have mattered even if I had. The damage was all ready done. I spent months trying to make it right...apologizing incessantly, refusing to leave the house for the first few days unless I absolutely had to. I was depressed. I had a love hangover that refused to submit to my remedies. I knew in my head that this was the best and the right thing for both of us. Our brief relationship was not built on a foundation that one would refer to as "honest and wholesome". But good golly, it made me feel wonderful. During the months to follow, the phone calls dwindled and eventually stopped all together. We would still see each other on a somewhat regular basis and that made it difficult to fully let go. We both moved on but I never got any closure. I still don't have closure and that's probably why I answered the phone last night. I guess on some level I am hoping one day he will call and we will have the all revealing talk that will finally allow me to make sense of it and be done. That's not his way. I know it is up to me to accomplish this task and up until last night, I thought I had...at least a little bit. I guess I've still got some work to do.

Random acts of traffic

2005-03-15T19:39:00.000-08:00

Well as most of you know by now, every Tuesday I babysit my almost 1 yr old niece. I have been doing this once a week since she was about 2 months old. I love seeing her on regular basis and that is the very reason why I subject myself to one day a week in hell. It's not her that is hellacious though she is well on her way, it's the freaking traffic I sit in both on my way there and my way home. I haven't worked normal hours for the past 5 years of my life and even when I did, I had no commute. I sware I don't know how people do it....day in and day out observing all of the nutty drivers acting as if they are in a drag race that proceeds approximately 10 miles per hour on a good day. I remember the morning on the San Mateo bridge when a lady apparently had a mental breakdown and starting jerking her SUV in and out of the lane. I remember getting onto the 101 overpass one rainy morning only to look into my rearview mirror and see a lady putting full on make up not paying any attention to what was going on in front of her....namely me, damn it! I feel postal everytime I have to sit in traffic and I am so freaking anal that not only do I look at everything going on around me, I am obsessed with everyone else's going ons....WTF!
This morning I saw the most stupid thing I think I have ever seen. There was a vanity plate on a very nice and new BMW that said "BMW 325SI"...what the hell? Does that person think they may forget what kind of car they drive or something? Is that person completely oblivious to the fact that everyone can see what kind of car they are driving? Is it a badge of honor that they bought a car for a hell of a lot of dough and immediately lost value as soon as they drove it off the lot, just like the rest of us? It was just so lame. I love vanity plates...I have them myself, but what your license plate says should be a statment about yourself...not some redundant bullshit that is all ready obvious. It just bugged the crap out of me. This is what I have been reduced to while sitting in traffic...seeking out all of the creatively deficient people in this world. Well...I guess one thing can be said for that dumbshit...if his car ever gets stolen, at least he will know what his license plate number is. And yes, I have decided the person driving the car was a man even though I didn't see the driver...I don't have any reason for thinking that other than the fact that I refuse to believe my fellow women are that abstract in their thinking.

I Give Up!

2005-02-09T15:29:00.000-08:00

...on the idea that there actually exists one good man left for me...or for any of us for that matter! I am so sick and tired of my single friends telling me "he" is out there...that there is enough of them to go around for all of us beautiful, kind, intelligent single women out here. Well, I for one know plenty of beautiful, kind, intelligent single women (myself included) and he ain't coming, damn it! I am also tired of people (men, women, single, and married alike) telling me that if I just don't look, I will find him. Exactly how does that work? If I am not looking at anyone or anything then clearly I am not going to see it, right? I am sick of digging through my mental archives of past relationships, flings, etc. and wondering if somewhere in that large and diluted file of men lies the one that got away. And so what if I did figure out that back in 1993, I could have had a good man? By now he's probably married with kids...or even if he is still single, he is probably as sick and tired as I am of wasting his time on worthless people...it just wouldn't work. And to my married friends: I am sick and tired of hearing about your unhappy existence with your spouse. The only time you say you are glad that you are married is after one of my many hellacious stories about single life. That's nice...an inspirational for all! I am tired of my mom sighing at me whenever I tell here that there are not true prospects on the horizon. It's not as if her and my dad had a great marriage that I could aspire to. I would be better off marrying a deaf/mute that has a beer in one hand and a remote control in the other than finding a younger version of my dad.
I don't think there is anything wrong with being single...it's how everyone else feels about me being single that bothers me. It makes me feel inept at being a woman. It's as if there is some kind of magical answer to the question of why I am still single and if that can be discovered, then I could finally get right with the world. I am done venting now...while I would like to end this post on a positive note, it's not going to happen. I am pissed off and bitter and I am going to wallow in my anger until I am damn good and ready to stop it.

Tick tock tick tock

2005-02-04T14:29:00.000-08:00

Okay, I can't believe I am going to say this but I think it may be time for me to go back to work. It is completely aganozing being off work with no money and I am sorry but I just don't know how to function in society without money to spend. Is that shallow? It kind of sounds like it, doesn't it? I don't mean it that way really, I am just not used to it, that's all. The sad part of it all is that I actually do have money but it's for rent, piano lessons, ortho treatment, etc. so it's off limits. That's even worse...I would rather just have it be an out of sight out of mind kind of thing, though that whole concept generally doesn't work in my life. The less access I have to somthing, the more I am inclined to obssess over it and try to manipulate the situation so I get my way...or something to that affect. Have I mentioned lately that I am crazy? Just checking.
Issue #2: I have been spending too much time analyzing myself and everything in my life. I have had several profound conversations with myself and others regarding my current station in life. Okay, I just totally hit a blank spot here so I guess I won't elaborate on that. I think men may find me to be a little intimidating. Where did that come from? Well...it's somewhat tied into the "deep thoughts" I have been having. You know what though? I don't want to change who I am. If that means I am old and decrepid with 20 cats for company when I am 80 years old, then so be it. If I can't find someone who is going to love me for me, then I would rather be alone. That is a harsh reality to swallow. I just don't believe in concealing one's true self because it always comes out sooner or later. A little off the subject here...I was talking to a friend last week about what she was looking for in a partner. She said she wanted to find a mellow guy who was content with just settling down. The first thought that came to mind: Boring!!! I realized that whole concept was completely unappealing to me and that I would run circles around a guy like that. I still want someone who is going to challenge me and be passionate about everything in life. I have had these guys before...they will cheat on you and run you into debt. They will also make you feel bad about who you are and scare away any thoughts of true love you may have had prior to meeting their punk asses!!! I have learned a whole lot, perhaps too much, being single for almost 3 years. The real question is will I take what I have learned into the next relationship? I hope so...but I am who I am and that means I am in love with love and have a tendency to get caught up in the whirlwind of romance and butterflies and not pay attention to the "red flags" swirling about my head. Okay....this is really enough of this now. I need to find something to do and do it...money or no money. Sorry if I depressed anyone with this posting...or maybe I am apologizing to myself.

2005-02-02T18:51:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone! It's been a long time since my last post, but ya know what? Life in general hasn't been eventful enough to bore you all about the on goings, or lack there of, in my world. I spent the majority of last week, the entire weekend, and the beginning of this week in Vegas. Ya know something? Five days in Vegas is too much. Yup, that's what I learned. I was supposed to fly back on Sun night, but decided to stay just one more night. I wasn't doing too bad with money and I was still having a good time. The sun decided to make an appearance finally after 2 days of rain. My decision to stay just one more day was a very costly one. I was experiencing a slight depression when I touched down on Monday night. I lost what to me is a lot of money on my last day there and was kicking myself in the ass over not being able to just walk away. Not being able to just walk away is the primary reason why people with addictive personalities like myself do not need to go anywhere that compulsive behavior is not only accepted, but is encouraged. I made it back safely and got to my car that I parked at the airport and was ready to get home and get some much needed sleep in my own bed. I pull up to the parking attendant with my ticket and was absolutely shocked to find out it was going to be $100 to make it to my bed for much needed sleep. The whole time I was in Vegas money didn't feel real to me, which is part of the problem, right? All of the sudden $100 was very real to me...not to mention it was my last $100 in my wallet. I am not kidding about that. I had exactly $100 on me...4 20's and 2 5's. I guess I don't get out enough to know that parking at the airport for 5 days is that expensive. And I guess I will be eating a lot of rice and pasta for the next week!! All's I can say is live and learn.
So, I am back home now and off work for another week. In spite of being broke, I would much rather be home broke then at work. Well, I guess I am going to end this now and take a shower. Yeah, it is 7:30 at night and I am just now bathing...you know it's bad. I have a potential free drink offer pending so a shower might be a good idea.

New Year, New Me??

2004-12-31T22:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, that may too broad of a statement to make or question to pose, but it's the end of another year and I have to look forward to something. 2004 has been disappointing, to say the least. It's not that I am ungrateful for anything I have been through, it's just that I am kind of tired of the drama. In almost every aspect of my life, this year has been chaotic. What am I grateful for? HMMMM....my health, my family, my friends, my job.
So, I have just won a brand new year...What am I going to do? Go to Disneyland, of course. No, not really, but I am considering some new interesting hobbies. Trapeze art, salsa dancing, volunteer work, just to name a few. I definitely will be going back to the gym...I have put that are for long enough. Well...unfortunately, that is all I really have to say at this time. Sad, isn't it? I don't know...I would rather start doing things before I start talking about them! Happy New Year to everyone....

2004-12-16T23:57:00.000-08:00

Oh...this night is never going to end, I sware. It's only my Monday and I all ready feel wiped out. That's happens sometimes when you only have one day off this week, and you only have one day off next week, and you are getting ready to sale a car, and buy a car, and you haven't starting Christmas shopping, and you are not sleeping....do I need to go on? I think you all get the point here.
So, yes the good news is that as of Saturday my car is sold. I am still slightly paranoid that the deal is going to fall through at the last minute and I am going to be stuck with two cars, but I am taking the giant leap of faith that it is all going to work out. I better not regret doing that! I am kind of sad about getting rid of my car. I know that is crazy...it's just a car, but when you have things in your life for a substantial period of time, sometime you get sentimental. Or maybe not you, but I do. I started reflecting on all of the major changes that I went through and the significant role my car played in those. I mean, that was the car that I moved most of my wordly possessions in when I left my relationship of seven years. That was the car I bought with some of the money I received after my dad passed away. That was the car that I would sometimes get into and just drive and drive and drive when I needed time to get away and think. But it's time to move on and have a new relationship with a different piece of machinery that moves me around from place to place. Okay, I think I am over the sentiment now...
Not much else is going on, I am just tired and I feel like the crud is trying to creep its way into my immune system. I can not be sick right now...it's just not an option. Oh well, I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other until they fall off!

2004-12-12T01:29:00.000-08:00

Wow! I have a lot of stuff going on right now. I mean, my plate is literally overflowing. Some of it good, some of it is scary, all of it has to do with big decisions and potential big changes. I wish I could talk about all of it, but I can't. That's what I have friends for. One thing I can tell you is that I found somone to buy my car and in between me working I don't even know how many hours this week and running around like a chicken with my head cut off during every free moment I do get, the deal is going down. I am relieved. I am taking less money than I wanted, but the bottom line is it's one less thing I have to worry about now. I just need to be done with the whole thing. I have too much other crap going on to lose sleep over a couple hundred dollars. On the other hand, Christmas is right around the corner and I still have to finish shopping. Oh, screw it -Why lie? I need to start shopping! I inevitably fall into the same trap every year. I wait until the last minute and get myself all stressed out shopping in the stores with the rest of the stressed out people doing the same thing.
In other news in my world, I am exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well and I have been working long days. Last night at work, we had what you would call a "critical incident." In other words...the shit went down. I was scared and the whole thing completely wiped me out mentally. It all turned out for the best which is the only thing that truly matters but of course there were a couple of things, trivial in my opinion, that didn't go perfectly. I spent the majority of my night beating myself up over the small details and being pissed at it being brought to my attention. Actually, my feelings were hurt more than anything. I am very sensitive about my job performance and unfortunately good deeds are sometimes overlooked, or at best recognized as an afterthought at work. I know I shouldn't personalize everything but when I am the one that is running the show, I feel bad whenever a mistake is made, no matter the magnitude of it. It's a work in progress for me to not be my own Monday morning quarterback. Oh well...I guess we live and learn.
Well...just wanted to check in. Wish me good luck on the potential upcoming changes.

Scruples, or lack there of

2004-12-05T13:34:00.000-08:00

INSTRUCTIONS: Copy this whole list into your journal. Bold the things that are true about you. Whatever you don't bold is false. (I got this from someone else's blog)

01. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions (Are we not allowed to make bad decision after we grow up because I didn't get that memo)
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love crab
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana (Brandy decided to lie about this question)
09. Question deleted (I suppose I could make up my own question here, but I can't think of anything good)
10. Question also deleted (you can make up your own question here and I will admit to it...get creative now)
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy (most of the time)
13. I have acne free skin (unless you count a pimple here and there as acne)
14. I think the president is "dumber than a bag or rocks."
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
17. I have hobbies
18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times (Who wants to know? Who sent you to ask me that?)
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free
26. I need money right now
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast (you have to talk fast when you have a lot to say)
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair (not anymore)
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin (no, but I am the daughter of a twin)
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyes in the past (just the nails, no hair or eyes)
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look (usually)
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to cornrow
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think too many people to just pick one are hot
45. I have cheated on a Sig. O. in the past
46. I have a hidden talent (I am not very good at keeping secrets...none of my talents are hidden)
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants
53. I love to shop
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto (maybe not completely ghetto...how bout just ghet?)
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I love my job. (most of the time)
58. I think OJ did it. (Does a bear shit in the woods?)
59. I think I have a nice singing voice. (only after I have been drinking...then everyone sings good and everyone is hot)
60. I voted for Bush.
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God (or some kind of higher authority...)
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months (no...and I am really proud of myself for that)
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone (I am never crush free)
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future (this is actually a maybe for me, but I don't want to completely rule it out)
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails (not anymore, thanks to my Invisalign retainers)
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything.
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie (I think I should catch up on the other two before I go there)
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex (most of the time, if I'm attracted to him/her)
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs at a party
84. I have made a move on a friend's Sig. O. in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be online
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
88. I enjoy country music ( I'm embarrassed to admit I do like some of it.)
89. I would die for my best friends
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can ( Y & R, Bold & the Beautiful, ATWT, Guiding Light )
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all (his music)
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment

Daddy issues

2004-12-05T02:08:00.000-08:00

I watched the newest Chris Rock stand up comedy show not too long ago, and he was commenting on women who had "daddy issues". I got to thinking earlier this week that I can't honestly think of one of my female friends who doesn't have them. We fall into two camps. The one's that grew up without their father's around and the one's who wished we had. I fall into the second group. Most of my life I remember feeling mostly fear and loathing toward my dad. I was afraid of him because he was the one who had the belt on his jeans and I loathed him because I knew he wanted nothing more than to use it on me as much as he could get away with, which wasn't often, thanks to my mom. As a became and adult, I realized that my father used his anger to convey all of his feelings because that's all he knew how to do. That didn't make it any easier to swallow, but at least I knew that he didn't really despise me. He just despised himself. Okay, let me back it up just a bit. It took a few really bad relationships with men in my life in addition to the turbulent one with my dad to realize that. Otherwise, I would be carting my kids off to school and parking my nice family vehicle into the garage that attaches to the house with the white picket fence in front. Instead I am still desperately trying to figure out why all of my life, I have attracted and been attracted to men who don't love me for who I am and definitely don't love themselves.
I guess what got me thinking about my own relationship with my dad, which incidentally is too late to repair because he died 7 years ago, is that my cousin's lost their dad this week. He was also my uncle, but I didn't know him very well because he has been out of their lives for well over 20 years. I do remember him though. He liked to drink beer and smoke pot. He looked a little bit like Elvis back in his younger days. He saved me from drowning when I was a little girl. This is what I remember. I got to thinking about the fact that my cousin's who happen to be women, never really had their father in their lives and how that impacted them as they were growing up and having kids of their own. Were they better off now that he was dead because at least they didn't have to torture themselves with the thoughts of what they could have done to make their dad love them? Or did his absence all these year's create the same thoughts? No matter. I will say to you what I said to them. Grief is all the same and the fact remains that when your parent dies you either grieve for the relationship you did have or you grieve for the one that you didn't.
I got a letter from my brother the other day who is doing his second stint in prison. I finally made myself sit down and write him back a letter tonight, which was not an easy task. My brother likes to blame all of us for his problems and also likes to point our flaws. He seemed to have an interest in my current mental state for whatever reason. I need someone to explain this to me because I am just not getting it. You are in prison and you are concerned with someone else's mental state of mind. Okay. I humored him a little and also shined the light on him a bit. I am sure I will get a rambling and incoherent response, if I get one at all. What can I say? It's family. The person in charge of all of this has a wicked sense of humor and a lot of explaining to do as far as I am concerned. Until I get an answer to the question of what I did in a past life that was so rotten that I am condemned to deal with my family for life, I will just love them for who they are. Someone has to do it!!!!

Why I work

2004-12-01T14:41:00.000-08:00

I have been pondering the question of why I work for the past couple of days. I mean in addition to the obvious...I don't want to live in a shopping cart, I enjoy food way too much to have to think about where I am going to get my next meal, I like to take showers everyday. I am talking about if I had the option of not working. I would still work, not necessarily doing what I am doing but definitely working. The events proceeding this revelation have been vast. For the past week that I have been off of work, I have had to take care of crap that I have been procrastinating on for weeks. It's not so difficult to put things off when you have a job like mine and very little personal time, and the time I do have, I damn sure don't want to spend it on the phone talking to a bunch of dumb ass people who I sware I must have spoken to before while I have been at work.
First up on the crap list is 21st century insurance. I had some repair work done on my car over 2 weeks ago and had a rental for 5 days. The rental place took out a $200 deposit on one of my credit cards that was supposed to be refunded within 24 hours of bringing the car back. I waited and entire week before calling them only to be informed that they hadn't credited the account because they were waiting for approval from my insurance company and the Claim Rep hadn't returned their calls. Okay...fair enough...a simple phone call to the Claim Rep from me, the customer, would surely remedy the situation, right? In a perfect world perhaps. I called the Claim Rep that day left her a friendly detailed message and asked her to call me back. That was last Wednesday, right before the holiday weekend. I waited until Monday and I called again and left another not so friendly (I was firm, not rude) message repeating everything I said the first time I called. Still no response. Needless to say, I was not happy when I had to call for a third time this morning. I got the voice mail again, but this time I wasn't taking leave a message and I will return your call for an answer. I called the main switchboard and got transferred over to the claims department where I encountered the most unpleasant, overbearing woman. Now I knew this was going to be bad. I was explaining my dilemna to her in between her interrupting me about 50 times so I finally told her to let me talk. She didn't like that. She told me that she was going to help me but since I want to tell the story that basically I could forget about getting any help from her. And what is your name???? Diane. Oh, okay. I got something special planned for you Diane. She transferrred me to the Claim Rep's supervisor who guess what? Also away from her desk. I left her a message too trying to sound as composed as possible, but I was furious at this point and wanted to get some damn help. I hung up the phone and figured I would just wait for a return call. Nope...can't do it. I have all ready been waiting for a week. I call back the main switchboard and insist that someone help me today, right now. And what do you know? By some miracle, the Claim Rep was tracked down in the office and came to the phone. She didn't even give me her name...I had to ask for it...I could hear the shame in her voice. Good! I didn't bother to ask her why she hadn't returned any of my phone calls....I guess I figured I was getting some service finally and she would suffer enough when their corporate office gets my letter regarding their "customer service".
The other thing that is currently racking my nerves is the retarded Christmas tree in my living room. I went and got it on Sunday night, brought it home, and decorated it. It was leaning to the right....and I am not just talking about being a little off kilter. It was to the point where it was going to topple over. After much wrangling with all of the lights and ornaments on it mind you, I got it to stay even. That only lasted for about 5 minutes. I have tried everything short of pulling it out by its trunk and throwing it out on my yard fully decorated. It is now Wednesday and when I got home last night I got it to stand up straight again and it has remained in position since, probably because it's petrified to move. That's right tree... I will throw you out on your ass! I guess talking to plants really is an effective way of helping them thrive and reach their full potential!!!
So it's back to work for me tomorrow. It's probably just what I need considering I don't seem to be doing well on my own. I am just days away from jails, institutions, or death. I am actually able to laugh about my chaos so I guess that's a good sign. Well, any of you that have just subjected yourself to this ranting, I thank you.

Gobble, gobble

2004-11-27T17:10:00.000-08:00

Happy belated Thanksgiving to everyone! It's been a while since I last posted, and a few times I have actually blogged and then scrapped it before publishing. I don't have an explanation for that other than the fact that I am crazy. So, I am in the midst of being of for a 10 day stint from work. I feel somewhat normal if that's what you want to call it. The week started off when an unexpected phone call from someone that I was surprised to hear from. No further details on that...just stike it from the record. Thursday which was Thanksgiving, I made the 5 minute journey over to my aunt's house and had dinner with my mom, her boyfriend, my aunt, and her 2 daughters, and their 2 sons. Do you all got that? It was mellow though nowadays that's to be expected since both my brother and their brother do not show up to family functions. Well, my brother's absence was due to the fact that he is not exactly what you would call available at this time. No matter. We all have plenty of memories of the family gatherings of year's passsed to comfort us in the event we are feeling nostalgic for dysfunction. After dinner, my cousin and I went back to her place with a bottle of wine and had a drink. Then I was off to my best friend's parents house to say hello and to be reminded of how rotten I was as an adoescent. My friend's grandmother was there who called me a tramp about 15 years ago and who was the person to remind everyone of that? My best friend, of course. Yes, we can all laugh about that now but let me say that these are the affirmations I receive that let me know I never need to have children.
Last night, which was Friday, my cousin and I went to the city to go dance. I bought her a pair of cute sexy shoes as an early X-mas present because she desperately needed them. Then I fixed her hair for her which was fun because I never get to do anyone else's hair but my own....and I get tired of that, you know. I had a good time but as a result my thighs are burning everytime I squat today. Anyone out there who has been dancing with me knows why this is. The rest of you can use your imaginations. I felt a little dissed earlier in the night when I was talking to what I thought was a decent guy and was actually going to give him my number. Well...when I went to give it to him, he tried to kiss me and I was like "no, I don't think so"....so then he said well, forget it then!!! OOOHHH, I was mad for about 5 minutes and then I found someone else to dance with, but that wasn't before I went back inside and told him that he wasn't shit. It had to be done. Towards the end of the night, I met this guy that after some conversation I found at that he's a cop....go figure? I wasn't surprised...since I started working in law enforcement it seems like everytime I go out I meet a cop. It's not really a bad thing but it's just an expected thing.
So, now I am getting ready to go play poker with my regular crowd. Tonight good eats and good company are on the menu. I still gotta get my tree, but maybe I will do that tomorrow. Hope everyone had a great holiday...

What a difference a few days make

2004-10-20T14:26:00.000-07:00

I am feeling so much better this week. My god, the past 2 weeks have been brutal. I realized during the midst of it all that I was suffering from the blues, but hindsight really is 20/20. Now that I have re-joined the land of the living, I see how shitty I was feeling and how obvious it was to everyone around me, even though I thought I was doing a great job of concealing it. My piano teacher told me today that last week she thought someone had died and that she was glad to see I was feeling better. I should know by now that I am unable to hide anything from anyone. I am an emotional being and wear my heart on my sleeve frequently sometimes without even realizing it. I didn't even really do all that much to shake myself out of the funk I was in....just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I learned long ago that everything passes and that feeling are not facts. Everything changes whether the changes are welcomed or not. At the same time, we all have a great amount of say so in the changes that take place. It all comes down to a few simple schools of thought...take or leave it...throw your ass in the fire or stay out of the kitchen. Okay okay...enough of this thinking...I am just glad I am feeling better...moving on.
I had a good weekend. Even though I was still tired on Monday morning, I had a lot of fun with the baby. She is so amazing and full of unconditional love that she gives to me so freely. And I am full of it for her...the only difference is that I am aware of my unconditional love for her and that is a powerful and at times overwhelming feeling. She is really starting to develop her own personality and is so interested in me and what I say and do. Scary. I don't know how parents do it...that constant feeling of the ultimate responsibility...the awareness that everything you do will somehow have an impact on a child. God knows in my family, we have no point of reference to turn to...unless you are trying to raise a dysfunctional child with no sense of itself. But I suppose that's what this new generation is all about...getting it right.
Last night, Brandy and I drove up to Antioch and had dinner with Rosa and her significant other. We had a good time and it's sometimes a good thing to connect with people outside of work. It's easy to get caught up in the daily dramas and forget that we are all people with our own lives outside of the job....well, most of us anyway. So that's that...I gotta hit the road and do some shopping.

Sleep deprived

2004-10-17T22:16:00.000-07:00

I am not really in the mood to write tonight but I have about a half hour to kill before I go home for my much needed weekend. I have been so exhausted this week. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I am tired and I try to go to sleep and I can't. It's just that simple. I do have a lot on my mind, but I don't feel any more stressed than usual. Who knows?
My birthday came and went and for the most part was uneventful. I did get some really cool presents so that always makes the day a little happier. I was a little peeved that I didn't hear anything from certain individuals, but what are you gonna do? That's what happens when people are butt heads. Overall, it was a decent day and I am just grateful to have survived another 365 days without incident.
Today was rather interesting in one aspect. Without going into great detail, I had to kick someone out of my life. It was so overdue and even though it was really hard because I do actually care about this person, it was just necessary. I got some information that basically put the final nail in the coffin of what I have known to be true for a while....that people (or at least this person) generally don't change and if they do it's because they want or have to, not because they think it will make someone else happy. And really, who wants someone who changes like a camellion just to please someone else? It's not genuine and it never lasts....SIGH!
On other fronts, have I mentioned anytime recently that my brother in law is a big jerk? Well, he is...completely and utterly. My sister is in a total child care bind this week and asked me if I could watch the baby tomorrow (Monday) rather than my usual day. That was fine with me but I had a hair appointment which I already cancelled last week and I really need to get my hair cut. Anyway, long and short of all of it, my brother in law's response when my sister told him I had a hair appointment was that it wasn't important. Okay....what does that mean? My time off and my personal life no matter how trivial or impertinent it may seem to him or anyone else is my time to be spent how ever I choose. I guess he sees things differently...or maybe that would be retardedly (is that a word? I doubt it). Anyway, so that pretty much constitutes my day for tomorrow. I am happy to do it but only because I love my sister and my niece. He hasn't gotten that memo yet but I will see to it that he does...we are destined to have a knock down drag out one of these days.
Well, I am going to end this now.

Isn't it Ironic????

2004-10-01T13:48:00.000-07:00

....that the last time I posted I mentioned the fact that I was cautiously excited about my new shift at work? Some of you that read the last post probably thought I was such a pessimist for thinking that way. I pride myself on being a realist and you know what? I haven't been let down yet. And when things do turn out for the best, I am pleasantly surprised. As far as I'm concerned, this is the only state of mind to have. Does that make me bitter? Probably. I have had to swallow a lot of bitterness in my day and it's given me a stomach of steel as a result. What is the point of all of this theoretical philosophy you may be asking yourself? In a nut shell, someone at work quit today and I got booted off of my new shift....a shift I have only been on for 3 days. It's so ridiculous that it's hysterical!! So effective October 10th, I will return to my old shift with my old days off. I guess it's not that bad, considering I haven't even had enough time to get attached to what was supposed to be my new and improved (whatever that means) shift. I feel worse about the fact that I had to screw one of my co-workers who happens to be a dear friend of mine. I understand how she feels....her and I have been going through this for the past 3 years. Whatever shift I take directly impacts her because she is the next person junior to me. I know she doesn't hold me responsible for the ways of our department...it's out of both of our hands, but I do feel terrible. She has suffered far more than I ever could at that place and I want it to be better for her as much as I want it to be better for myself. But the bottom line is, no one can make something better that is out of their control. All any of us have control over is our attitude. And you know what? Their is nothing accepting or kind about my attitude right now. I am pissed!!! I don't care if it's completely irrational...it's how I feel and I am enjoying wallowing in my self-pity right now. It feels great and I want to stay here for a while. Today was the first day in a very long time that I was on the verge of tears....tears of frustration, which is usually why I cry to begin with. I have not allowed myself to ever cry about work...why bother? It doesn't change anything and it makes me feel weak. It's just a job that I have invested the past 4 years of life into and made sacrifices beyond the capacity most people are able to do without losing it. What's to be angry about? And I am not even mad at the person who dealt me the shittiest card in the deck by making a decision to leave. I know people in my own back yard who have dealt me far worse intentionally and with malice. I admire her. Ride on cowgirl!! It's not her fault I have no choice but to be married to my job because I need it and even though it's a constant source of frustration in my life, we have know each other for so long and have learned to co-exist with benovelent tolernace for one another. Whew!!! If that ain't your typical marriage in America, I don't know what is. On that note, I am going to end this. I contemplated briefly on spending the next two weeks in my pajamas, but I will make the healthy choice and pretend to be a productive member of society.

Give the people what they want

2004-09-18T01:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a very long time and there is one reason and one reason only for that. I have caught wind through the ever cycling rumor mill at work that many of my counterparts know of this blog. My initial reaction was anger that people have to be so nosey. I am aware that my fellow dispatchers read my blog and it doesn't bother me for the simple fact that I spend so much time with them, most of the stuff I post they get the full scoop anyway. And believe me...my stories are far more entertaining if I am telling them in person. It's funny you know, because most of the people that talk behind my back have far more fascinating perspectives on me and my life than what I could ever live up to. And even if I did measure up to the rumors, does anyone reading this really think I would write freely about it? So, I have decided to continue blogging occasionally and I hope whoever reads this learns something...sorry guys, that's the best I can do.
As to current events, it's been a busy and stressful past couple of weeks. Lots of family mini dramas playing out and it is wearing me out. I spent two of my three days off taking care of other people's kids and the last time I checked the closets, I didn't have any of my own laying around! These are the things that happen to a person when you have weekdays off and family members that need your help. I know I shouldn't complain because all of those little souls are wonderful and I feel blessed to have them in my life, but I need to have my own life too. I get crazy when I don't have "me time" and I am feeling it all ready being only 2 days into my work week. I have been a cranky bitch and I know but I can't help it. It's only going to get worse too because I have to work 6 days straight next week. And then you add the PMS factor into the equation and we have a recipe for disaster. I will just have to take it one moment at a time.
I finally took my lazy ass to the gym after work tonight. I had to do something to take care of myself before I completely lost it. I know I should be practicing my piano right now but I don't wanna!!! Instead I am sitting here drinking a beer and blogging. OOOOOHHHHH....there's a controversy for you. Speaking of controversies, I went to see Prince last weekend and I have to say that I was a little dissapointed. I love his old music...in my opinion, he hasn't put out any quality music since his Purple Rain album (or CD....is it totally antiquated to say album now?) So why was this fool singing other people's music? I can understand him doing his newer stuff but no one paid good money to see him do a tribute concert to bunch of shit he didn't have nothing to do with! On that note, I am going to end this...I am sleepy and need to get some rest.

Feeling groovy

2004-08-23T22:44:00.000-07:00

Back in the day when I was a broke and struggling young adult, I never cared about where my money went because I didn't have enough to pay attention to the extra ten cents I might have after the rent got paid. It is hard to believe I lived off of slave wages for the first 10 years of my adult life...let that be a lesson to all of you out there...go to school or at least marry rich! I made it though...found myself a real job making real money and now I get to make real financial decisions. I mean, not like any of my financial decisions involve much more than cutting the checks and putting them in the mail, but that's progress in my life. I closed my account with what was my current bank and moved it somewhere else today. I felt really cool, I have to say. The former bank asking me what they could do to make me stay. My telling them nothing...that I was done with them and their nickling and diming me into a slow monetary death. I didn't really say that...but I should have. I felt equally important walking into the new bank with a envelope full of my money that needed to go into its new home. So it's done now...and I feel good that got up off my lazy butt and took care of business. It's so hard for me to find motivation to do that kind of stuff these days. After hearing about everyone else's problems 10 hours a day 4 days a week, I don't have the energy or desire to deal with my own. It's a good thing the problems I have are small in magnitude and most of the time I can put off dealing with them indefinitely. I am a crisis queen though, I must admit. I shine in the midst of chaos and crumble over running out of stamps!!
So, what else is going on today? Not much. I went to the Chaka Kahn concert in Saratoga with Brandy and her mom on Saturday night. We had fun and it was a good show. I love Brandy's mom! She is so funny the way she talks to Brandy but it also frightens me because now I am wondering if Brandy thinks that I sound like her mom! If you read this Brandy, it only cuz I love you! You get it, I know.
Well, that is about it for me.

Back in the saddle

2004-08-18T18:33:00.000-07:00

So...today is Wednesday which is the day I watch the little monster who happens to be my niece. I get there this morning at my usual time and I notice that both my sister's and brother in law's cars parked in the driveway. This is unusual...is it Wednesday? Yes, it is. Did my sister call me to let me know I wouldn't be needed today? No, she didn't. As I am walking to the door, I am trying to think of all the possible logical reasons my sister's car would still be at her house. Maybe her husband dropped her off at the BART station...maybe they all overslept...maybe there is an undiscovered crime scene behind the door. It was none of those scenarios, thankfully. Turns out they went to the Giants game last night, with the baby, and my sister called in sick. Why am I here exactly? Why am I not still sleeping in my bed like both my sister and the baby were. It would have been understandable had the baby been up and around but she was crashed out in her crib and stayed that way for the first hour I was there. I am not really mad about it...but on my last day off before going back to work, there were other things I could have been doing...like sleeping or shoe shopping. I ended up hanging out with my sister and the baby all day...we went to lunch and walked to all of the little cute shops in San Carlos. I guess it wasn't all a waste and I got to see the baby...that's it though...all I could do was look at her.
That last statement brings me to my next disturbing topic. I woke up yesterday with what I thought was a small cluster of pimples. That would have been bad enough, but as it turns out, I have a cold sore. I haven't had one of those for years so I didn't recognize the tingling sensation and the redness. Yuck! You can't hide these things...all you can do is wait...believe me, I have tried everything possible...you know, if you catch it in time you can sometimes stop the full blown onset by taking a few Lysine. I was too late. In addition to the cold sore, I burned myself with the tip of a hot match stick while lighting candles on the other side of my face on Sunday night. Don't ask me how I did that...dumb ass...no further explanation required. So my face is pretty fucked up this week. I thought being on vacation was supposed to alleviate stress, not pile it on. If I wasn't so damn vain it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but I am so it is.
It shouldn't be so bad going back to work...I feel like I have been away....that makes all the difference for me. I feel like I can get back into the groove without becoming homicidal within the first 15 minutes. I feel like I can maintain a curteous and professional demeanor without grinding my teeth or pulling my eyelashes out one by one. But you know what the bottom line is? It doesn't matter. Whether I have a positive or negative attitude, the work still needs to be done...but I do have to say that feeling rested makes a big difference.

Sunday

2004-08-16T00:46:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday night and I am sitting here listening to the "Sundays" CD...how appropriate, I just realized. My last weekend off was somewhat uneventful, but nice nonetheless. On Friday, I went to the Chicago and Earth Wind and Fire concert with some co-workers and had a blast! Saturday I slept off my hangover and then went to go hear the wonderful songbird Brandy sing...gosh, she has a great voice! I am so amazed sometimes at how beautiful her voice is and it gives me chills whenever she sings....how blessed I am to have such a talented friend that is going to good care of me when she makes her first million...ha-ha! Today I woke up with a major hankering for chicken fried steak of all things. It is not unusual for me to wake up and instantly think of food but chicken fried steak? I went with the craving and decided that going to the Cheesecake Factory would suffice any current of potential food cravings so I called my cousins and we went and had dinner. I ate so much I wasn't even hungry when my food got there...but that's okay...that's why they have to go boxes...for the unconsumed dinner as well as the cheesecake for later! You can't go there without getting the desert...defeats the whole purpose...I thought that would be a good fun place for this year's birthday dinner. My birthday is still 2 months away but after last year's festivities, I have decided that it's the only way to do it. Pick a place, invite anyone and everyone, and eat, drink, and be merry....and then drink a little more!
We picked our shifts for the end of the watch at work and I am cautiously excited about my soon to be new shift. I say cautiously because after 5 years in this business, I know that anything can change at anytime...it has happened several times...and will inevitably happen again. I am really happy about being off for Thanksgiving and both Christmas and New Year's Eve. My family always celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve so it works out perfect. And I absolutely cannot be absent for my niece's 1st Christmas! I didn't realize how late it was....I feel like it's 10 o clock...the crack critter in me lives on! What are you gonna do? I don't think I have anything going on tomorrow so I guess it doesn't matter what time I am up until.

Still Resting and Relaxing...and loving life!

2004-08-12T00:21:00.000-07:00

I think I could be a lady of leisure indefinitely as long as a paycheck kept rolling in. I need a sugar daddy...that's it and that's all! Actually, I just want the sugar part, not the daddy. And I don't want to me anyone's mamma either. Why can't I just talk myself into becoming a shallow person and marry the first rich computer geek that comes along? What a boring existence...but there is something to be said for financial security and being taken care of. Can you tell I have given up on finding someone who could take care of me and still maintain a personality?
Well, I can honestly say that I have enjoyed every waking and sleeping moment on my time off of work...I so needed a break and didn't realize how necessary it really was until I was away from my daily grind. I went to the beach on Saturday and laid in the sunshine for 3 hours. I got most of my body covered with sunblock but I missed a few spots, all of which got burned and is now peeling...that is disgusting! I feel like a snake shedding my coat but it was nice to get away for the day. I have re-evaluated the marathon run while I have been off and I have decided I am not going to do it after all. There were a couple of different reasons why I changed my mind...but that is the wonderful thing about America....we can change our minds as ofter as we like...so that's that. Enough on that topic.
Well, I got to run (figuratively, not literally)...Brandy and I are going to the gym so we can party down tomorrow night and not have to feel guilty...just wanted to give a quick update for those of you in blogger land that give a damn about what is going on in my life!

Rest and Relaxation

2004-08-06T17:47:00.000-07:00

Okay...I really haven't posted for a long time and this time it's not because I don't have anything to say....I have a lot to say but the problem is I can't really speak freely about what is on my mind...oh well, I guess there has to be some boundaries in life limiting me to saying things that are unoffensive and not specific in nature.
I am really sleepy right now and had every intention of having an afternoon siesta until my neighbors decided to have an American Idol audition in their backyard. I am serious...they have a full on kareoke (don't know if I spelled that word right) machine in their backyard and the worst part about it is that they suck! The madness has to stop at some point...the sun will set eventually and hopefully they will realize that a middle aged Filipino man belting out Sade's "Kiss of Life" is not a socially acceptable way of loving thy neighbor! Geez, if I had a lot of money I would buy their house that is currently up for sale and just let it sit vacant so I could have some peace and quiet.
My sister and the baby came to this side of the bay today and we went and had lunch at the new Tomatina restaurant here in town. The food was good and I only ran into 3 people I work with....that is actually not bad for being on Park St. in the middle of the lunch rush. It made me think about work...more specifically my cave that I sit in for hours on end. I found myself becoming resentful seeing 3 officers casually dining out while I knew my dispatch counterparts were shoving food into their mouths in between radio transmissions and citizens calling in their abandoned vehicles. I wanted to find the nearest pay phone and call 911 and report a phantom call in the area just so I could rejoice in the fact that their meal would be somewhat ruined. On the other hand, that would only increase the workload for my people in the cave who would undoubtedly become enraged when they realized it was a bogus call. So I ate my lunch and kissed my niece and said "fuck it".
After lunch, we drove down to the marketplace down the way to check out the scene. I hadn't been in there yet even though it's been open for probably over a year. My sister got a potential seller for their wine at the little cheese and wine shop in there and one of her old ex boyfriends has a fish market in there. That was a blast from the past. My sister dated this guy when she was 14 or 15 so that made me about 10 or 11. I remember bugging the shit out of them on a regular basis and then remember partying with him when I was 14 or 15 and he was dating one of my good friends in high school. So bizarre how things come full circle.
Anyway, I think the noise has finally died down for the moment, so I am going to end this now and resume with my lounging.

2004-07-18T22:06:00.000-07:00

Well...I haven't posted for a while, mainly because I don't have much to say. The highlight of my life recently is that I cut all of my hair off...like six inches off. I wasn't even sure in the beginning if I liked it or not...I was just fascinated by the fact that I had big enough balls to do it. But I do like it a lot, and I think I will do the short and sassy thing for a while. I went to the John Maher concert the other night and that was cool. I was happy to be off on a Friday night and was even happier that I had been off when I got back to work on Saturday and heard that work was off the hook the night before.
I literally just had a sentence typed that consisted of me launching into my complaints about work when 911 rang and it was a very infamous local drunk on the phone. My co-workers and I just happened to be discussing his whereabouts earlier today so it's kind of odd that he called. I am actually still on the phone with him as I sit her typing which is fine...because he is a very low maintenance person and pretty much just requires sitting on the phone with him until the cops arrive and send him on his merry drunken way.
Well folks, this post is going to have to suffice because I just don't feel like talking anymore.

Whatever

2004-07-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

How does one accomplish spending over $500 in a day? Well when you have to get new work pants and then you decide you want some boots too...and then you decide you need to replace some old misc. appliances with new ones...and then you realize that the extra lamp you have been needing in the living room is a matter of life and death...along with the jewelry box...and the new candle holders...and the new placemats and napkins...you get my drift. I don't feel bad or guilty either. The rent is paid and so are the piano lessons so what else is a girl to do with her extra money? Spend it damn it! The only thing I purchased that was an absolute necessity was the work pants. I was in severe danger of baring skin at any moment and not in a inconspicuous place might I add. Funny how that works...the one thing I needed was the only purchase that made me bitter and resentful. This is partially attributed to the fact that every time I go to the uniform store they want to size me up. They want to tell me I am too fat to wear the size I have been wearing for 2 years and that I also need to have my pants hemmed to resemble the equivalent of capri pants, but not fashionable one's mind you. I am happy to be home now though. I didn't get my long run in this week...I know I suck. I did run 1.5 miles straight without stopping at the gym last night though. I was curious to see if my endurance had built up at all and apparently it has. That's a good thing. Well, I have nothing else to report and I need to get some other things done...so TTFN

Get on task

2004-06-30T19:25:00.000-07:00

Oh, what a busy short weekend. That is the one and only bad thing about having a busy weekend...it just goes by too damn fast. I have just turned on my laptop for the first time in 3 days to check my e-mail. Forty two of them...all junk or things I don't want to hear about right now...like the fact that all of my friends are going out on a lake this weekend and I am not because I have to work. I babysat my niece both last night and today and I am just pooped. I haven't been to the gym at all this week which means I haven't worked out since my 5 miles on Sunday. I have to catch up now...not only do I have to do my regular work outs and maintenance runs, I have to run 6 miles this week. When I am going to have time to do all of this? I am working 4 12 hour days this week and I just don't know how I am going to juggle it all, but I suppose I will figure it out. And to make it all so absolutely wonderful, my visitor is here!
After I got back into to town tonight, I had to make my monthly trip to the grocery store...yes, that is about how often I go and I still end up tossing out a significant portion of the groceries I come home with. The main reason why I went tonight was so I could get ingredients for banana bread that I am bringing to work to sale for fundraising for our marathon. I haven't done anything to raise any of the money needed and I am starting to feel guilty. I haven't asked anyone for donations yet...I guess I just feel like I shouldn't get something for nothing....I know that is a ridiculous notion. By running this marathon, I am doing something for a lot of people and anyone who donates to this cause is doing the same. I have been fortunate enough to not have anyone in my life who has AIDS, but that doesn't change the fact that this epidemic affects all of us even if it means something as simple as practicing safe sex. And I am proud of myself and the other girls who are doing this marathon....WE ROCK!! So all of you nay sayers out there can kiss a big ass! I will say one thing about dispatchers....we may stuff our mouths full of bad food and not get any physical activity...but when we set our minds to something...results happen. We are the epitome of efficient gains with insufficient means!
Well, I gotta run...first loaf of four is almost done baking.

Updates

2004-06-25T00:14:00.000-07:00

Okay just a short one tonight...haven't checked in for a while but this weekend was all shot to hell and I didn't have any free time..well, none that I wanted to spend blogging. Monday I was supposed to come in and work from 11 p.m to 5 a.m but I ended coming in at 7 p.m instead. It has been a while since I have worked until 5 in the morning but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. The bad part didn't start until I got home and stayed on the phone for an hour knowing I had to be at the dentist on Tuesday at 2 p.m. After getting off the phone I could not, for the life of me, get to sleep. I must have tossed and turned for at least 3 more hours before having to wake up shortly after. Okay, fine, I thought. I will sleep good tonight and I will be okay. Tuesday was great. That night Brandy and I went to see "Hairspray" which was absolutely fabulous. I had no idea what the play was about which made it even better because it was a surprise. After the show, we were both starving to death so we drove around the city aimlessly until we ended up at Mel's diner downtown. Our food was ice cold but we were both so hungry it didn't even matter. That night I got home about 1 in the morning. I thought okay...I can go to be right now and still get 6 hours sleep. Oh no! I don't think so. Once again for the 2nd night in a row, I tossed and turned for several hours and I think I ended up getting about 2 hours that night. So now we have a running total of 6 hours sleep over 2 nights and now I have to watch my niece all day on Wednesday. Great!!! Wednesday as so-so but I was butt ass tired and could not keep my eyes open for extended periods of time. You know, I am only going to get away with watching the baby while I am tired for a few more months. It's so easy to keep her entertained right now but I know that window is quickly closing so I better get it together. So, last night I got home, ate a burrito, and went to bed at 8. It was wonderful except for the fact that I had to come back to work today but the cool thing is that I am off on Saturday so it will be somewhat of a short week. Well, it's almost quitting time and I am off to the gym...so talk to ya'll later!

Keep it real

2004-06-19T02:04:00.000-07:00

Working with 13 different women in a very enclosed space on a regular basis is how do we say...difficult. If you take into account the fact that we are all stressed out to begin with because of the job we do coupled with the fact that we are by nature very hormonal and emotional beings, it can be a recipe for disaster. It takes a special type of person to do what we do, and I have swore from the beginning that half the battle of making it in our line of work is being able to play nice in the sand box. We have all faltered at times and have given in to the temptation of saying unkind things about each other...sometimes to their faces...sometimes not. I recognize for myself that I have a very large and colorful personality. I have a mouth the size of a small, no make that a large, country and at times can probably be a bit of a challenge to deal with. I try my best to be civil, if not pleasant, to those around me despite what my true feelings about a particular individual may be and I know that there are people who do the same in their dealings with me...it's part of the game. I accept that fact and live by the rule that you don't have to like everyone, just be respectful toward them. That especially holds true in the environment we work in where the pecking order rules and insubordination should be deemed as a four letter word. In spite of all of this, I have truly met some of the most caring individuals at my job. We may fight like sisters, but let me tell you...when the shit hits the fan, everyone pulls together and rallies around the person in need. I myself witnessed this when I went through my tumultuous break up and there were people that I didn't even know knew my name that lended their support to me in all forms. We go through births, deaths, marriages, divorces..these are all things that are reminiscent of what a family goes through. The people at work are like my family in so many ways...you learn them and you deal with them accordingly...sometimes we fuck it up and hurt someone's feelings but like everything in life it eventually passes. I don't know why I am getting all sentimental tonight...I guess I just have to put into perspective every now and again.
I have a funny story to tell too. While I was working on the radio tonight, I had a somewhat volatile bought of gas and I asked Brandy to pass me the Lysol. Brandy worked with me on midnights for a year straight and when I ask for the Lysol, she knows what it means. She obliges and gives me the can and as I am furiously spraying while still dispatching on the radio, she announces very audibly that "Kelly farted!" Now normally I wouldn't give a rat's ass about this statement but I happened to have an open mic when she said it and it went across the air loud and clear! I was laughing so hard I couldn't even speak which is not a good thing when you are the dispatcher...everyone heard it including the Lieutenant...it was so embarrassing...but I am still laughing about it 8 hours later. Love you Brandy and beware!
On an entirely unrelated work note, I have decided to run the AIDS marathon. I just made up my mind today without giving it much thought...it just came to me. I generally make decisions by evaluating the situation and arranging certain aspects of that decision so it works for me...this decision basically came down to me making it not such a big deal. I also don't succumb to peer pressure generally and I had to feel like I decided for me and that it had nothing to do with anyone else. But now that I have decided for me, I am excited about the fact that I have others who are in this with me and that I am part of a team...yes, I finally got there...I had just had to get there on my own and take the back roads. No surprise there! Well, I got to get to sleep...I have a 13 hour day tomorrow.

All good things must come to an end

2004-06-16T23:30:00.000-07:00

I am soooo tired right now but I don't want to go to bed yet...it's my last night off before I go back to work and I am trying to savor every moment. I had baby duty today (it's Wednesday) and she had a very unusual day. She barely slept a wink and didn't eat enough in my opinion, but for the most part she was in good spirits so I rode the sleep deprived wave and made the most of it. My sister and brother in law suspect she is starting to teeth because she constantly wants her own hand or anyone else's in her mouth...and let me tell she chews...or rather gums the crap out of it. She's not even 3 months old yet...how could she possibly be teething, I'm thinking...but then again this is coming from the girl whose parents thought she wasn't going to have any teeth because I didn't break my first one until I was almost a year old...that must be the reason why I am so orally fixated and obsessed with food...I am making up for lost time. Oh, and another hysterical thing I learned about my niece today is that she is a moody little sucker and a straight drama queen. Earlier today she was just fussing and carrying on and then I would do something (1 of about 20 things that I do on a rotating basis) that would make her happy and she would smile and coo at me. After several minutes of running the three ring circus for her entertainment, I realized the cry wasn't even real...it was a total fake squeally whine...I laughed so hard I cried and I thought this is definitely a female relation of mine. She is absolutely adorable and I love seeing her little personality develop right before my very eyes...God bless the children.
After babysitting all day, I drove into the city to meet Brandy for the Giants game. It was fun even though I wasn't quite following what was happening, partially because I was ducking and dodging all of the fly balls that were heading our way. That was scary...there is a lot of velocity on those balls and I had visions of me being carried out on a stretcher because I was afraid of the ball so I got knocked out instead. I had a hot link sandwich and a beer and a half...it was great. There was also a SFPD cop that I was temporarily stalking so that made it a little more interesting. So I am home now dreading the inevitable...work! It's not that bad I suppose, it's just always so hard getting back that first night...I shouldn't complain...I have a good job and I am grateful for that, especially in this day and age.

Blah, Blah, Blah

2004-06-15T17:04:00.000-07:00

Well, it's the countdown until I go back to work on Thursday. I all ready received the customary phone call from work asking if I could work a 12 hour day on Friday and a potential 14 on Saturday. What are you gonna do, right? You take your lumps and realize that at some point all of these long days and hard work is going to pay off...at least that's what you tell yourself to keep your sanity.
I had to go to the dentist today for a teeth cleaning...one word...brutal. It had been over a year since my last visit and I knew it wasn't going to be anything short of torcher. My mom works at the dentist office I go to, so after getting lectured by both the hygenist and the dentist about my poor flossing habits, I have to go out to the front and hear it from my mom. I told her today I was going to find a different dentist to go to if she didn't stop pestering me. I guess she wanted to make nice nice after that because she is paying for me to get my teeth whitened...not a bad deal...maybe I will make idle threats like those more often. I have to go back next week for air abrasion on one of my teeth...that's what you get when you are on your way to having a cavity but it hasn't made it yet. I am proud to say that I have never had a cavity my whole entire life...not bad for someone who only flosses twice a year. I know you all so care about my oral hygiene...moving on.
I am so excited to go to the Giants game tomorrow night...garlic fries and beer are calling me. I haven't been to a baseball game for at least 10 years and I have never been to the new ball park. I have a huge bruise on my elbow...it's ugly...but I wear my war scars proudly...it's the tom boy in me....see how tough I am? Forget the fact that it hurt so fucking bad on Saturday I almost cried at least three different times...and also ignore the fact that I still can't lay on my right side because the pressure on my elbow is pure agony...I am tough and I have the oowwie to prove it!
I think I am going to take a walk tonight instead of going to the gym. I have to wake up early tomorrow and I know if I go to the gym anytime before midnight, I am going to have to wait for a machine...anyway, if I take a walk I make get some divine inspiration and break out into a jog. I have to wait for another few hours though because it is still too stinking hot outside. Well, I am off to do something that doesn't involve me sitting on my ass!

And the big obese bound loser is......

2004-06-14T22:39:00.000-07:00

Yep! That would be me...it is my destiny to be a obese smoker for life! I haven't discussed this on my blog at all, but a few months ago a co-worker of mine asked me if I wanted to run in an AIDS marathon in Honolulu this coming December. I was entertaining the thought when 2 other co-workers became interested and were actually serious about it. Yes, I must confess initially I wasn't sure if I was serious or not. Running 26.2 miles means a lot of things in my life, but mainly it means that I could not be a smoker any longer. There is no way that I could conceivably train for a marathon if I am going to smoke...I thought about it, believe me. I had visions of my 3 co-workers stopping every few miles for water and I am stopping from a quick drag off a cigarette. I hate myself for not having the level of commitment necessary to improve my health and expand my life span! I know, I know...everyone tells me I won't quit until I want to, and I know that it's true. If running a marathon for a cause that could save someone's life rather than shortening my own significantly isn't motivation, then I just don't have it in me. Not to mention the fact that I can't stand running, and never have enjoyed it. That would be another hurdle for me I am sure as I lie in bed at 7 a.m and have to make the choice of whether to sleep or get up and train...that is a no brainer for me...it is hard enough for me to wake up to do things I like doing, let alone having to do something that I consider to be quite sufferable. I feel like a complete jerk loser for not doing the marathon, but I will support the others during their journey and maybe I can convince them to bring me along to Hawaii for moral support. I can sit on the sidelines getting hammered and stuffing my face with every despicable type of food known to man kind while I cheer them on...watching their svelte and slender bodies running past me. Yeah, that's gonna work...Not!
In other news, there really isn't any. I finished those god forsaken kitchen cabinets tonight after I made the conscious choice to stay in bed all day...pathetic...I think I am suffering from a mild depression surrounding the fact that I have to go back to work on Thursday. I am not looking forward to it at all! I have some housekeeping that needs to be tended to and I really don't want to, but I know if I stew in it it's going to get worse...it always does. I also discovered that I have a female problem which was a direct result of my date...no nothing like that...let's just say that if anyone needs to bake some bread, I am the girl to see. Sorry..I know that is TMI. Speaking of the date, I haven't heard from him since which is fine...at least I can take solace in the fact that it wasn't because of anything I did. Well, that's it for today!

Penny for my thoughts

2004-06-13T14:09:00.000-07:00

Criminy...was that a date yesterday or a gang initiation? I am so sore and have multiple bruises in places I didn't know were capable of bruising..I finally mustered up the courage to wash and comb my hair when I woke up today...40 minutes and many mangled tangles later...I feel a little better.
So, about the date...it was a long day but I had a blast. Another couple ended up coming out with us so I got to meet 3 complete strangers yesterday...they were great and a lot of fun and I was glad they came along. Like I mentioned in my last post, the day started at 8 a.m...I drank a lot yesterday and at one point I realized I was in danger of not recovering from my drunken state so I drank water the rest of the day...I ended up meeting another 3 complete set of strangers on the porch of a trailer home somewhere on the Delta. Carla, Kevin, and Bob (those were their names...see I wasn't so drunk after all) were very hospitable and gave me some aspirin and a glass of ice water. By the time we got back to the Marina we had started out from, it was getting dark so it must have been going on 9...we had dinner...that was a challenge since I was very hungover and nauseous by that time...we made the drive back to his house and I ended up getting home at midnight...completely exhausted and still rocking back and forth from being on the boat all day long...that had to have been the longest first date ever. Today I will be nursing myself back to health...drinking lots of water, tending to my random patches of sunburn, and not moving around too much.
Well, the important question after all of this, is do I like the guy? I had a really good time and I am telling you now, he has a very nice body. He is very nice and polite but not to the point of being annoying. The drawbacks? His hair is thinning on the top...that's it really as far as the obvious goes...I didn't really feel that instant spark of chemistry that I so passionately seek out. I don't know...maybe that is not a terrible thing. I mean, past experience has revealed that when I feel that kind of chemistry with someone, I have a tendency to go into complete over drive and lose sight of some of the other qualities that are important...like does this person have morals and values?...Is this person responsible and have positive things going on for them?...Is there more to this person than just a purty face? He definitely has all of those other important qualities as far as I can tell. This is my trouble...trusting my own judgments about men...oh I get so lost in the passion...always...this is my M.O. I don't know...I would go out with him again for sure...that's a good start right? But the bottom line is I went yesterday to have a good time with a good person, and I was successful in that endeavor...so why don't I just leave it at that and not over analyze the situation? I think I will...at least publicly...I can't stop the workings of my mind, but I will do that in private and not put the rest of you through my agonizing thoughts.

The countdown...OH GEEZ!

2004-06-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

My date tomorrow is only a mere 12 hours away! I have still have to pluck my eyebrows and shave...now wait a minute...before you all start jumping the gun about me shaving..it's because I am wearing shorts tomorrow...no other reason! I went and had dinner with my mom tonight...and of course ran into someone from work because we stayed local...no big surprise there. I had a good time at dinner...my mom and I haven't hung out and just chatted for ages...we used to do this all the time when she was still single and living in town...so we had Margueritas and dinner and had a great time...I am always pleasantly surprised by how much me and mom can talk about openly and honestly...I am very lucky to have a mom like her...of course I told her all about my date...she hadn't heard anything about it so I got to tell the story from the beginning...and you know how much I love telling stories from the very beginning...leaving no small detail out. So...I am going to keep this short and sweet tonight...I have to try to get some sleep tonight because I am due at his house at 8 a.m...wish me luck!!!

Rainbows and Butterflies...?

2004-06-10T21:34:00.000-07:00

Okay...I am so very cautiously excited right now...I have a date on Saturday...and not tournament simultaneously...do you not love that?! That is such a cool first date...so what I need right now too. I had my first phone conversation tonight with my winking wonder from the Internet...it was nice...we were cracking up the whole time practically and he gets my sense of humor...which is important cuz some of ya'll don't get it. He has a very nice voice too...he doesn't sound like a 12yr boy in puberty and there are no obvious speech impediments...I am very much looking forward to meeting him and unless he walks with a limp or has teeth that detach from his gums...or is missing teeth, then all should go well...I don't want to jinx it but who the hell cares? You only live once right?
I went and had dinner with Amanda and Cameron tonight...that boy is getting so big. We had a good time but we ended up eating at Applebees (which I could have lived without) because I made the fatally bad decision of letting a 2 and half year old make the restaurant choice because he was pitching a fit on the kitchen floor over not being able to have a cookie after his 2 bowls of jello. Kids are hysterical even when they are acting like jerks. He is a good kid though and he has a great mom...we should all be so lucky! Not much else happened today..it was a good day...I actually put on make up and fixed my hair for the first time this week. Oh yeah...forgot to tell you that something happened to me today that hasn't happened since I was like 18. Amanda and I were taking Cameron to the potty for the 3rd time in an hour and we were in Mervyns. I came out of the bathroom and a very young looking guy comes up to me and gives me his phone number...it was hysterical! Either he thought I was a lot younger than I am or he was just flat out retarded...either way, I politely took his number and walked away as quickly as I could...it was the funniest thing to me, being hit on in that manner. Whatever...I guess I haven't lost my mojo yet.
Well, I gots to go...I will let you all know what happens on Saturday....

Make sure you get your ZZZZZ's

2004-06-10T02:15:00.000-07:00

Okay...I am going to try this once again...I had my blog all blogged out the other day and I went to publish it and somehow lost the whole thing...well, there was no way in hell that I was going to type it all over again...so I just skipped that day.
How do you know when you are sleep deprived and slap happy? Well...for starters, you have one beer and catch a buzz that lasts for several hours...then you go to the gym and feel like you are going to die...then you intentionally run a red light because it is staying red for too long...and then you proceed to inadvertently run a flashing red 30 seconds later...anyone suffering from any or all of these symptoms should take themselves to the nearest bed and slumber indefinitely...Yes, I am tired today...it was baby day today. It hasn't really sunken in yet that I am off for the next 10 days because the past 3 days have been like every other weekend...it will hit me tomorrow. I have gotten a lot done around the house though, so that's a good thing. I re-painted my bedroom and bathroom and I still have to tackle the remaining four kitchen cabinets that are waiting to make life miserable. I have some fun stuff planned for the weekend...just hanging out with folks...something I rarely get to indulge in these days.
Updates on the winking wonder....well...we have been e-mailing back and forth pretty much every day. Last night I decided,after I casually mentioned I would be off for the next week, that I would only give him a few more e-mails to ask me out on a date. Why waste my time if I am not going to get taken out right? And anyway, I am a pretty private person when I am getting to know someone and I am not the type of gal to put my whole life story out there...make him work for it is what I think. So, nothing is official as of yet meaning a date, time, and place but he did throw it out there that we should try to get together in the near future. He was very casual about the whole thing which is fine by me...I am not desperate and I don't want anyone who is...And considering the fact that we have never even met in person, I would be very skeptical and turned off if he were throwing himself at me....So, I am thinking maybe we can go for a drink or something along those lines...in case I need to make a quick get away or speak my mind...both of which are very possible given my track record with dating. I'll keep you posted...either way it's kind of nice to have something to look forward to...meeting someone new and different...and if nothing else, broadening my horizons and maybe making a new friend.
Well, it's about that time for me...bed time.

Ignorance is bliss

2004-06-07T04:24:00.000-07:00

I swear...men have got to be the most ignorant beings walking the planet!!! Anyone disagree with that assessment? I thought not! I had a slight case of drinking and dialing tonight and my god, was it a complete waste of time... I think I am losing my mojo! I can't really get into the details of the conversation but let me just say that I feel like I am in junior high on a daily basis. Men, I have decided, are far worse than women when it comes to talking crap and spreading gossip. And they all want to act like they are just trying to be there for you...I'll tell you how to be there for me...and you need to do it damn it....and then you need to go away...yeah, I think that works for me.
On to other things that matter...I am now officially off work for the next 10 days...and you know what? I am not going to think about that place or anyone affiliated with it...I need some time to get my head together and focus on myself and what is important to me...and believe me...nothing going on there has any relevance in my life when I am not there...the phones will ring...the officers will call up for every request imaginable...and the crap will continue on...I have so much stuff I need to accomplish while I am off, I don't even know where to begin...but I am sure I will figure it out....gotta get to bed now...I have piano tomorrow and I don't want to flunk my song...

Change is good

2004-06-06T02:20:00.000-07:00

You know what's funny? I always write my whole blog before I title it...I wonder if everyone does that...it just seems kind of strange...then again, it is me we're talking about here. Not much to say tonight...went to work...went to the gym afterward...had a decent work out...my hair is still soaking wet and I have been home for almost two hours...Is it normal to sweat profusely like this without another person being involved? I am sorry...the poor girls at work have had to listen to me rant and rave all week long about the terrible drought I am in the midst of. I know I can remedy that if I really want to but I don't feel like dealing with all of the drama. You mean I actually have to talk to this person in order to get my needs fulfilled...no...no...no...I can't do it...I have too much pride. So...I will sit here or stand...whatever works best...and just wait until I meet someone who is worth having a conversation with. On that note...I was starting to talk about the guy I have been e-mailing the other night but my computer was in the middle of having a breakdown...no surprise there. By the way...I finally got a new and improved laptop....3 days running and virus free...Does that sound like a herpes medication add or what? Anyway...back to the guy....it all started cuz he winked at me on my Match.com add...he was the first and only person thus far that looked even remotely attractive....so I checked him out and I thought he was cute...very nice body I think...so I winked back at him...and then he sent me an e-mail...and it's been going like that for about a week or so...we'll see what happens or doesn't happen...I just want a cool guy to hang out with and maybe some other things if he can stir my interest. So...of course...I will keep you all posted about any developments in that area...I just feel like it's time for a change and I know if I don't do something to initiate this change then I will keep on doing what I am doing...and getting what I am getting...well, right now I am not getting anything so that's a problem. I have become accustomed over the past couple of years to having several mini dramas playing out in my life...all of which involve men...it was fun and I learned a lot...but it's just not doing it for me anymore...so I have cut out most of the bullshit (I have to confess, I keep a few on stand by to break into in case of dire emergency)...but it's progress, no perfection...but I think that I am at the point now where I can sit in my own skin for more than 10 minute intervals...and I kind of like my own skin....not to toot my own horn or anything...but I think that I am a pretty cool gal to know in spite of all my imperfections. Anyway, it is getting late and if I plan on following through with modifying my sleep schedule then I have to stop being a crack critter and go to bed when it's still dark. TTFN!

Do actions really speak louder than words?

2004-06-04T03:21:00.000-07:00

When I started blogging, this was intended to be a light hearted somewhat humorous look at life in my world. Unfortunately, no one's life is either of those all the time and sometimes more serious issues need addressing...such is the case tonight. I have to say if you are one to be easily offended read no further...of course if you haven't been offended up to this point then I'd say you are good to go.
Well, you all know that I have dedicated every Wednesday to watch my wonderful precious niece so I can help my sister out. Me and my sisters relationship throughout our lives has been somewhat strained and distant, but with the new addition to our family, I feel like it has brought us together in many ways. I am happy about that though the cynic in me always waits for something negative to rise to the surface and sabotage any chance of us having a truly loving sisterly relationship....well it happened yesterday.
My sister got home from work and we are making the usual chit chat and she starts to tell me about one of their newly acquired neighbors who has been keeping the other residents awake with loud wind chimes of all things. I cut her off because her husband had actually told me the story earlier...but of course, my sister felt the need to put her own spin on it and tells me that this guy with the wind chimes is a crazy ni.....Do I need to go any further? I can't stand that word and it makes me ill to hear it falling from the lips of someone in my family. This is not the first time she has used that word in my presence...the 1st time was on Christmas Eve a few years ago after we all had too much to drink and I guess I gave her the benefit of the doubt by chalking it up to that. Yesterday however, we were all stone cold sober. Maybe I took the cowardly way out...I looked at her 10 week old daughter who doesn't have any idea what a mean and ugly world it is and I told my sister in a voice that would have emulated Devon's that we didn't like that word and to not say it about people...her response was yeah you're right.
Now believe me when I tell you that I am no fool and don't look at the world through rose colored glasses but I was just absolutely floored...Where the hell did this one come from? My parents were no saints but they never taught us to hate others or forbid us from hanging with whoever we wanted to. I mean I probably grew up in household similar to others in the sense that telling racial jokes was commonplace and that thay were about all races. And I don't recall there ever being a follow up lesson to one of the many jokes my dad told us letting us know that all non white people were bad or inferior....believe me I would have remembered! I know there are other racist people in my family...as a matter of fact when my sister was marrying her husband and didn't want to invite my mom's shameful white trash family to the wedding...my suggestion was that she marry a black man instead...problem solved. And of course my hideous aunt (by marriage, I have to say) had to demonstrate her total lack of class when my cousin announced her engagement and her reply was that at least he was white!! UHHHH!
I have seen the ugly face of racism from all sides largely in part to the fact that I have dated inter-racially since I started dating. I saw it from black people...I saw it from white people...I saw it from people I knew....I saw it from people I didn't know....I think you get the point. I have always prided myself on making judgments about a persons character based on their actions...I know it sounds cheesy but it is true. I just don't comprehend how someone attaches a race to a persons character....and then to have someone you are genetically connected to do that very thing is so hurtful that I am getting upset just writing about it and seeing the words on the page.
There is a post script to this incident. I woke up today and my sister left me a message apologizing for what she said and that she knew it was wrong. She also thanked me for helping her out with the little one and that she knew she had offended me. Well...I am glad that she knew she offended me but it still concerns me for a couple of reasons. First of all, was she just apologizing to me because she appreciates my helping out with the baby? Secondly, if that's how she truly feels then why shouldn't she say it? I am all for discretion especially if you know your words are offensive but on the other hand, it worries me that these are the views that she is subject to express, just not in my company. She should be apologizing to herself and take a long look at what she is going to be teaching Devon to think about people. That is really what I worry about...the baby...my sister is 35 years old and has a right to feel however she wants to but I can say one thing....the child will have a well earned ass whoopin coming her way if she ever talks like that....I know I need to have a serious discussion with my sister about this....I can't turn the other cheek....I don't want to drive a rift between us but if that's the way it has to be then so be it. I love my sister and my niece but I have to take care of myself and express my true feelings around the situation. I'll keep you all posted.

I AM WOMAN...HEAR ME ROAR!

2004-05-30T23:18:00.000-07:00

I got three letters in the alphabet to describe my current state of mind....PMS. I am so irritable right now and the last place I am trying to be is where I am at...one guess...work. I abhor all men right now and I want to punch someone or something. I am absolutely going to the gym tonight because if I don't someone is going to get hurt. My gut wrenching cough still doesn't want to subside but I am feeling a little better today.
On the agenda for this weekend...working on Monday which happens to be a holiday but who cares...I am used to working on holidays. Tuesday I am going back to Office Depot to shove my virus infected laptop up their asses and hopefully getting something that works in exchange. Wednesday is baby day and then dinner and drinks with Brandy. I will surely need it by then...hell, I need it now! I hope it will be nice this weekend...weather always seems to improve my mood somewhat. You know what is nice? After this week, I will be off for 10 whole days. Oh, that is such a lovely thought...I have so much stuff I need to get done. Well, I am off for now...

No Rest for the Weary

2004-05-27T00:54:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day of babysitting for my sister. I arrived 15 minutes late courtesy of Highway 101 a.m traffic. I had a good time. Taking care of babies is like riding a bicycle. Within minutes, it all came back to me. She is precious and just melts my heart when I look into her eyes. It was well worth the sleep deprivation to get to spend the day with her.
The only crappy part about today is that I had to come in to work for overtime at 9 p.m. and work until 3 a.m. I can tell you one thing...I am going to sleep good tonight. Not much else to say except that my computer is going back to the store on Monday. My virus has re-infected my computer and there is now way in hell I am going to put myself through a repeat of last Monday. So que sara...

Queen of My Castle

2004-05-26T00:52:00.000-07:00

Well, let me open by saying that today was much better than yesterday. In fact today played out the way yesterday was supposed to, but we all know what happened with that plan. I am loving life right now. Everything I own is clean. Laundry is done, car is washed, house is cleaned, and I have food in my refrigerator. What more could a girl want. When everything in my life is this organized and tidy I am definitely at my optimal performance. I know I am a freak but I really appreciate having my own stuff and keeping it nice.
You know I was thinking earlier today about how far I have come in the past few years since breaking up with Reggie. Everything that I have experienced has been my choice. What a freedom that is for me. Gosh, when we first broke up I couldn't imagine my life without him....now I can't imagine it without me. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I am not too interested in meeting "the one." I am just starting to enjoy my own life and I like it a lot. It's so nice nice to not have to worry about consulting someone else before I make a decision and I know when I get home, everything is going to look exactly the way it did when I left. I am not lonely either. Hell, most of the people I know who are in relationships are lonelier than me. If worst comes to worst, I will get another cat. So after two years of being completely on my own I can say that I have gained 20 pounds and a lot of wisdom and gratitude.
Speaking of pounds, I went to the gym tonight and had a decent workout. There is way too much eye candy for me to look at and I have to tell myself to stop staring sometimes. My biggest fear is one of these hotties will approach me and ask me if I am retarded. Well, I would have to be honest and say yes I am but that's my little secret that I don't want anyone to know about. I got home to my immaculate house and I had a Caesar salad from Trader Joe's for dinner. I sware they have the best store bought Caesar salad I have ever had and as a matter of fact, I think their salad is better than some I have had while eating out. I still get really excited about food and considering that I am trying to watch what I eat, that is something to get excited about.
Oh...I did forget to tell you all that I got flipped off today while I was driving home from the grocery store. That is not an unusual occurrence for me since I drive like a bat out of hell and am very susceptible to bouts of road rage. I didn't even really get mad about it because she had a truck full of kids...geez...Why couldn't I have been the lucky one to get a mom like that? I shouldn't judge based on the fact that I don't have any children and knowing me I would still be as crazy as I am now, maybe even crazier. When I see moms flipping drivers off with their kids in the car it immediately launches me into my negative viewpoints on the world which I do not need to entertain. So I did what any rational person would do and I shot at the bitch. Just joking....I drove home and chalked it up to just another day at the office.
Anyway, gotta get going. Tomorrow is my 1st day of babysitting duty every Wednesday from now until whenever. I am so excited about getting to spend time with my niece and watching her grow brings me joy that I don't get from anything else. Talk to you later.

No Such Thing as a Free Lunch!

2004-05-24T23:51:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day of my weekend and Mondays are always my day to do my running around so I have my other two days off to play. I have my piano lessons on Mondays so I have to get my lazy ass out of the bed anyway so by the time I get done there at 3 I am good to go. Piano lesson went well...passed both of the songs I had to learn which is not always a guarantee in my world...I am hit or miss...ususally miss on the piano tip...but I love doing it and I like to be challenged.
Anyway, I decided after I got done with my lesson that I was going to go laptop shopping. I have been itching to get one for a while and I had some extra money in the bank which is supposed to be my new car fund..but oh well, I deserve it. Not only do I deserve it, no one should be without a computer 4 years into the new millenium. I have a computer but I don't have anywhere to put it and it's really old. Moving on...I go over to Office Depot in San Leandro because I saw in the paper yesterday that they were having some really good clearances on laptops. I walk in and find exactly what I am looking for in a matter of minutes. I pay for my new toy and I am out of there withing 10 minutes. I clearly remember saying to the cashier that I couldn't believe that was so easy.........oh so little did I know.
I get home and I have to open it up and try it out. I figure I will just turn it on, get my internet account that I still have set up, go run my errands, and come home tonight and have something to play with until I go to bed. Within minutes of getting on the internet, I have this strange message that keeps popping up telling me it's going to log me off automatically within whatever amount of minutes....and so it did...and I re logged on...and it kicked me off again...and so on and so on...I probably went throught this process 15-20 times when I finally decided whatever it was wasn't going away so I called Tech support. That was at around 4 this afternoon.
It is very painful for me to re-live this but you all must know. Turns out my 1 hour old laptop had a virus. However this information wasn't learned until I got transferred and disconnected 3 seperate times and everytime that happens I have to call back and go through all of the same bullshit I just got done going through 15 minutes prior. I finally got a fellow on the phone who I thought was actually going to help me. There was a very strong language barrier and everything he asked me I could not understand. I wasn't sure if he was talking computer jargon and I am just too big of an idiot to understand or if he just wasn't speaking English. Either way I was saying yes to everything he said. After he got all of my information, he asked me for the "Crate Cart". What the hell is a Crate Cart? He had to repeat it 3 times before I realized he was saying Credit Card....oh joy. Now anyone who knows me even slightly can attest to the fact that I can't hear shit and half the shit I do hear ain't right. He tells me he is transferring me over to billing so I can pay the $40 to get my virus out and the shit head hangs up on me. I am furious! I call back and that time around I shit you not, I was on hold for 2 hours. I am not kidding or exaggerating even slightly. I actually put the phone on speaker and while I was waiting I learned my song for piano next week, went to the bank, the gas station, and to get something to eat. When I got home I was still on hold. I know I should have hung up and called back again after about 30 minutes but I was scared I was going to lose my place in line. Not only that, I had myself convinced that the butthead who hung up on me was the only Tech working and he was too scared to pick up the phone and that he was going to keep me on hold until his shift ended. Crazy huh? One is not thinking rationally after they have been through what I have been through today. So I finally decide to take the big leap of faith and hang up. I call back get hung up on 3 more times before I finally get a live person on the phone and I proceed to tell him that basically he is going to be responsible for my death, either by way of heart failure or self-inflicted, if he doesn't help me. I must have been convincing in my neurosis because we killed the virus!!! After he walked me through the process, he tells me that he works in the printer assistance department and that he had never offered technical support for laptops before. Can you believe that? What a nice guy! Abhilash was his name and I will never forget him. I decided right after I wrote his name down and got off the phone that I was going to write a very nice letter to the company he works for letting them know that I love him...actually I was just going to say that I appreciated his kindness...but I think maybe I do love him...I love Abhilash!!!

Utterly rejected

2004-05-24T00:05:00.000-07:00

It would not be my style to start anything out slowly or with apprehension and I am sure that this experience won't be any different than anything else in my life. I have been convinced that I need to have a blog probably based on the opinion that I have absolutely nothing important to say (which would be true) and that I can provide some comic relief if nothing else. Well, today is the day and I have the perfect story to open this up with. This is a story that truly reflects my need for ongoing drama in my life.

I get off of work at 11:00p.m. last night after a week of what could only be classified as hellacious. I am supposed to hang out with a friend that I haven't seen for a while and I am kind of cautiously excited about this. I am cautious because this person hasn't exactly been reliable lately and has a tendency to say whatever they think the right answer is to fit the particular problem that is being addressed. So...he calls and we plan for a place to meet and I almost immediately realize this is largely due to the fact that he doesn't want to be alone with me (which is probably genius on his part). Long story short....we meet I have a drink (the best damn Marguerita I've ever had)...he doesn't have a drink because he doesn't drink...and now I am feeling good. As a result of my friskiness and my need for drama I tell him that he has to follow me home to make sure I make it okay. He puts up a fuss at first but I can be very convincing at times like these and he finally gives in. I am driving home with him following behind me and I am thinking about how I am going to get him to give me a kiss goodnight when I get there. Yes I know, I should be worrying about starving kids in China or some war ravaged country but I want a kiss goodnight damn it! And I deserve one too.....this thought right here is precisely where my trouble always begins. I see something/someone I want and I stop at nothing to get it. Anyway...we get to my house and he rolls down the window on the passengers side to say goodbye to me....CCHHHAAA....I don't think so. I walk around to the drivers side and before I can even open my mouth to speak he launches in to a speech about how if he kisses me he is going to come inside the house and do some other things. Would this be a bad thing I'm wondering? Potentially yes for lots of reasons that may or may not be delved into at a later time. But I am really upset now because I have myself convinced that I should have a kiss coming my way and that I deserve one for putting up with all of his half assed attempts at being my friend. I am standing there, arm resting on window still talking to him telling him what an idiot he is, and he just starts driving away! What is this I ask? I am flabbergasted...my mind is racing with the song from "Grease"...you know that "Stranded at the Drive In" one...except I am stranded in the driveway watching the tail lights trail away into the darkness. That's it, that was my night. I went into the house pissed off as all hell that I skipped my work out for that crap. So the kicker about all of this is that I talk to him later today and he tells me the real reason he didn't want to kiss me is because his breath was lethal. What? I liked the first reason better...you know the one telling me that I was way too seductive for you to be around me?

I don't even know why I bother....well actually I do...because I love drama and I always have to have some extra reserve brewing....Well, it's time for me to get off work...and yes I am going to work out tonight!

Release of Liability

2004-05-23T23:48:00.000-07:00

This blog is a work of fiction (mostly). The characters, incidents, and dialogue, are drawn from the author's imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.